Letter to Senior Opupulepu (224); Artificial Dumsor and Do-Big Bahama-Mama

Dear Senior Opupulepu,

How are you do? I hope you are do fine, just as I and mine are all do fine.

Senior, a certain family name wants to be among the top names in Ogyakrom. That family name is Bahama-Mama.

Senior, as you know, our immediate past Omanhene, Onapowura Nana Ontiaobiara, is from the Bahama-Mama family. So, is a certain man who is in the profession that its members are legally licensed to lie, I mean the I-Put-It-You pipol. This man is Bahama-Mama Ayiri who doubles as a Municipal Police from the Umbrella Clan.

Senior, the list includes a certain King Edward Bahama-Mama, who while training to be a refined witchdoctor, got tired of learning and ended his course after he learning how to squeeze female breasts and inject difficult buttocks.

Senior, then came that young handsome bow and arrow professional, Adamu Bahama-Mama, a true soja. He defended the lives of common criminals with his life as the ethics of his profession taught him.

Senior, at the time when we all thought that there is no significant member coming out of the Bahama-Mama family, a certain Samuel Do-Big Bahama-Mama stepped out of the shadow.

Senior, this Wofa Do-Big was mistakenly put in charge of Ogyakrom’s Anti-Dumsor Company which hunts light by trapping every lightening in their sightfrom the sky, then tame them and sell them at a discount to villagers.

Senior, when Onapowura was squatting on the village skin, he remembered that while in skuul they used to have lights-off after night studies. It was during these times that members of the BBC, aka Bad Boys Company, give all manner of excuses to step out of the dormitory to go and know themselves. Some will go out to burn dry grass and leaves, while others go to areas which are classified as Your-Mother-Is-Not-Here, Your-Father-Is-Not-Here andto google locations where they meet with daughters of Eve who were as bad as them.

Senior, since the Great Leopard, Nana Owuobia ye Owu, started squatting on the stool, he decided that it was time, Spiritus-Sanctus Himself, took over the body and soul of all Ogyakromians and make them into His Shrine.

Senior, since Yahweh, Yesu Christus Emmanuel and Spiritus-Sanctus are all Light, it manifested into the mind of Nana, that it is only light that can attract Spiritus-Sanctus and draw Him into the souls of all unrepentant sinners of Ogyakrom.

Senior, so, Nana the Great Leopard, took a decision and decided that whatever road it takes, there will be no dumsor in the land. And with this came drastic reductions in unwanted pregnancies, armed robberies, legged robberies and all robberies. There was also drastic reduction in the number of people who go out of their rooms at night to urinate outside, with men standing like light poles and women as if they are sitting on okada back.

Senior, so it is now, in our village when natural dumsor became the thing of the past. Yes, it was so until Do-Big Bahama-Mama started breaking acconta and balancing the Anti-Dumsor Company’s incomes against its expenses. After crediting the receiver and debiting the giver, his eyes opened.

Senior, he found out that many big villagers had not paid their dues and lampoo.

Senior, Do-Big Bahama-Mama decided to pay unannounced visits to these big people, and sometimes he gate-crashed into their eating periods. In fact, they do not bother to invite him to eat some. It was only after they had finished eating and used broomsticks to clean their teeth, that they ask Do-Big his religion, sorry mission.

Senior, there is no where that Do-Big went and was given part of or the full outstanding dues. So, naturally he became angry and disappointed and decided to do something that has never been done in the whole of ewiase. He would create artificial dumsor.

Senior, he took his gang of boys with ladders, tool boxes, blocks, sand and cement, and started constructing dams that separated the route from the Anti-Dumsor Company offices into the targeted villagers’ home.

Senior, when news started spreading about what the angry and hungry Do-Big was doing, many heads of family run to him to update their dues by paying part of their outstanding lampoo. In fact, the fear that run into them was when Do-Big went first to the Energy-Drink’s family house and cut energy off. Without energy drink, how can non-performing assets perform at night?

Senior, some homes like the Witchcraft House, I mean, the house where iron birds fly with villagers in them, went on their knees and begged Do-Big to collect something small for the time being and when moon die, they will do him full show.

Senior, are you aware that even the Municipal Police were owing Do-Big’s company?Upon all their talk-talking and disturbing of ears, common dues they could not pay. They also went down on their knees and for the first time, they showed no pride or arrogance, looking like Sunday School pupils with the pastor around, they humbly begged Do-Big to collect something small for now.

Senior, today Samuel Do-Big Bahama-Mama has added his name to the great ones of the Bahama-Mama family.

Senior, but I hear that Onapowura is exempted from paying anti-dumsor dues and lampoo, because of why?

Senior, I am Dan, sorry done or else Do-Big will do me dumsor.

It’s me.


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