Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and all my brethren and sisthren, we are all do fine.
Senior, I am not understand the Umbrella clan’s ways of thinking. These people are not straight forward or backwards. Their motto, or aboboya, goes like this: “No Bend, No Curve,” but their mentalities are always full of bending, bending and curving, curving.
Senior, you remember their creator, Togbui Xornametor, Togbui Peace-Perfect-Peace, Togbui Ameke-Dzi-Avu, Togbui My Dorters Breasts Are Something, Togbui Rollers, the Great Captain Chaos, and the Red Herrings for short, who founded and created the clan from a Provision kiosk?Yahweh creates something out of nothing, Togbui creates nothing from provision kiosk. And this nothingness came to be called the Umbrella clan which always think nothing proper with their bending and curving ways of thinking, saying and doing things.
Senior, Togbui My Dorters Breasts, one day decided to go and see a herbalist in some far away village. They say, and I am not the one saying this, is that the sickness he was sick-sicking, was from a curse of a spiritualist, because he, Togbui took the man’s jolly to Suhum-Nsawam. Togbui was cursed to wet-wet his bed every night. Please as I said, this is an unproven allegation and so you never heard it from me.
Senior, when Togbui arrived at that far away village, he went to see a strong herbalist who located his shrine hidden in a far, far away forest. When Togbui was asked his name for record purposes, he said he was called Paul Gyamfi.
Senior, the Umbrella people saw nothing with that. However in this day and age, the Umbrella people are saying a certain man of Yahweh has two different names and that constitutes a mortal sin.
Senior, they are saying that it had come to their notice that names are running short in Yahweh’s Book of Names, book. And so it was criminal, immoral, senseless, sinful for someone to take two or more names. If they are allowed to, what names will be left for those yet to be created?
Senior, the Umbrella people are also saying that this man of Yahweh has two dates of birth and never has that happened before. Here it is very clear that these Umbrella people do not attend Sunday school and church, and so do not know that homo sapiens can be born and born again.
Senior, that man of Yahweh in question was born and named a certain name. Then he became born again and was named another certain name. What is the problem here?
Senior, the Umbrella people are saying that this man of Yahweh has two mothers, and what is the problem again? He had a mother when he was born and another mother when he was born, again. Simple!
Senior, another attack on this man of Yahweh, was that he had thiefed some cowries from the church collection box to buy waakye to eat because he was hungry. The Umbrella people are making so much noise about this, that one would ask why they are always silent when a thief is found in their midst.
Senior, you remember a certain Umbrella elder by the name Sir Alfred the Thief? This guy old man has the gift of thiefing which only a few people have. Such people have the gift of just looking at something and it will disappear.
Senior, Sir Alfred the Thief, a grand knight among Ali Baba’s four hundred thieves, used this gift to thief five hundred billion cowries from Ogyakrom’s main Susu-Box Room Kiosk. In fact, he was far away and just looked at the kiosk and all the money got lost.
Senior, with that came hardship on all Ogyakromians except the Umbrella people. Even candle lights were rationed since Ogyakrom could not pay for common kerosene to light osono. That era was called Dumsor. In that period too, kolera, which was as common as malaria, came and killed over two hundred thousand Ogyakromians, because there was no money in Ogyakrom to buy drugs, not wee, and medicines.
Senior, Ogyakromians were happy when Sir Alfred the Thief was taken, by the Umbrella I-Put-It-To-You leadership, to face some old men and old women laying on benches doing nothing and explain why disciplinary actions should not be taken against him for doing what he did. But before this criminal case could proceed, these same Umbrella I-Put-It-To-You people told the old men and old women laying on benches doing nothing, that they want the case to become civilized and later they apologised for wasting the time of these old men and old women who were laying on benches doing nothing, and that they should continue to sleep in peace and withdrew the case.
Senior, through the Umbrella people, Ogyakrom lost five hundred billion cowries and all the Umbrella Municipal Police people decided there was nothing important about this.
Senior, but today when it was alleged that some man of Yahweh, with two names and two dates of birth has taken church collection money to buy waakye, they are shouting and saying he is the thief among thieves.
Senior, Yahweh should have mercy on Ogyakrom with these Umbrella people around, who cannot think and act purely and straight. I am Dan, sorry I am done.
It’s me!
