Letter to Senior Opupulepu (98) “Oseeyee Fit-Fitness Aplanke and If We Are Not To Buying, We Are Not To Paying”
Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and my House we are do well small, small.
Senior, today I will be brief on three quick issues of concern of the entire village of Ogyakrom.
Senior, firstly, do you know that our Aplanke for the Fit-Fitness and Well-Wellness Matters of Ogyakrom has done something which Napoleon could never have been able to do? In fact, even David, son of Jesse, would have run away and wished he would rather encounter ten of Goliath’s size people, all combined together.
Senior, you remember how Aplanke Archie-Man Menu went to spend a weekend at the only health resort facility in the whole of ewiase, and the jealousy-jealousy, against-against people decided to take the decision to insult him with words like “aboa,” forgetting that biology says every human being like you is an aboa, so they have not said anything? They even started prophesying sick-sickness into the life and soul of this aplanke, and how others swore that he had stabbed our Omanhene in the back by secreting joining the outlawed Kobby Nanti Fan Club?
Senior, you remember also how the Omanhene, after being influenced and tricked and confused by some abroo people, who, because of their lives and conducts, are not friends with the Abronye DC, made a statement that his aplanke was a member of this forbidden fan club?
Senior, you saw how some people jubilated and slaughtered plenty akoko and goats to celebrate their victory over Aplanke Archie Man Menu, anticipating in anticipation that the Great Leopard, our Omanhene, will remove him from his aplanke stool and take dash them.
Senior, all the time, our fit-fitness aplanke was swearing that Yahweh forbid that he will join the Kobby Nanti Fan Club, but he only went to chill. You see, the only evidence he could provide should be the names, ages, heights, weights and beauty level of the mia-miakro nurses he chilled with.
Senior, I am informed that cannot be possible, because Madam is patiently waiting with hundred bentuas full of ginger, Akweleywaabi pepper, and garlic solution for the names of the daughters of Eve who took her husband to Cloud Nine, so that she will descend upon them and pump into their system that hot burning solution, through their something.
Senior, just as Madam started growing agitated and listing demands that must be fulfilled if she was to tone down, it came to light, and light shone on the real work our Aplanke of Fit-Fitness and Well-Wellness Matters actually went to do.
Senior Archie-Man Menu went into the secret conclave of Kobby Nanti himself, posing as an interested partner, and got the names of more than hundred thousand Ogyakromians held captive, and about to be send on slave ships to the life hereafter.
Senior, our Champion Man, I mean Archie-Man Menu, and he is now a Champion Man, did what he knew how to do best, like thief-thiefing eraser, pencil and chin-gum photos in school, and snatching boys-boys girlfriends from them without they knowing. Yes, he woke up his hidden talents and put them in play, and in the end, he brought out the tens and tens of thousands prisoners, and today, they are united with their families.
Senior, the reason he did not tell us what he actually went to do is that he does not want people to anoint him omanhene while the Omanhene still lives and rules. He does not want a Saul and David matter here, and looking at his life, he is not sure Yahweh will make the mistake and make him a sub-chief, let alone an omanhene.
Senior, it was those free captives who came to tell us who actually set them free. And now prisoners are using the tunnel Archie Man Men to escape.
Senior, we have to sing “Oseeyeee,” to him. He has done what even the Great Odinihuni Owubiayeowu could not…sorry delete that. I want to say Archie Man Menu has done what Napoleon and David could not do, so don’t misquote me.
Senior, now only recently, the some kingmakers of some of the hamlets and kiosks of the Elephant People decided to take the decision to hand pick who and who they deem capable to stand for and on behalf of the Elephants in their area, when the chief priestess of the village’s lot casting shrine declares and makes a declaration that all kingmakers should choose who should represent them.
Senior, do you know that some of these kingmakers demanded articulators, knicker-knickers, 500 heads of cattle, 1,000 sheep and 1,000 goats, undetermined numbers of fowls, container loads of yam and cassava, I-Am-Standing-Outside-And-I-Am-Talking phones, flat screen or mountainous screen televisions, mechanised grounding stones and lots of cowries, not forgetting a bus load of daughters of Eve, before they toe-print for the contender.
Senior, there are lots of guys these days who wear dirty T-shirts, torn trousers, unwashed camboos, and caps worn the other way that it will be difficult knowing who is a scammer and who is not. These people collected what they demanded and went ahead to do the opposite. In the end, those contenders who spent more were rather dumped by the wayside, because their faces are not fine.
Senior, these disappointed un-appointed contenders have made it clear that “If they are not to buying, then they are not to paying.” So they demanded all the gifts back, plus interest, OR?! Some went house-to-house, not to campaign, but to retrieve what they gave out by fire by force. Others have awoken our ancient gods to wake up and do something before they die. So you should not be surprised to see a television behaving like a radio and not showing cine, a cow barking like a dog, and sheep or goats crowing like cocks. You should not be surprised to put yam on fire and after it is done, you find it was lemons you boiled. What about a daughter of Eve who took to bed becomes a macho akupa in your very sight?
Senior, things will start happening as soon as the ancient gods freshen up, put twaapea in their mouths, and head for town.
Senior, I want to appeal to the Elephant People to tone down their ways. You see, when an Elephant moves the ground shakes, and this was what happened when the anger of some of these deceived aspiring Elephant representatives started bellowing.
Senior, we all know the Elephant’s slogan is “Kukruduu,” and unfortunately, the noises “I Am Not Understand” coming from that family invited a certain underground refrain of that sound the other night, and the whole ground shook.
Senior, even some roads which have not seen potholes in their lives before, and were always fasting and praying to have some, actually had more than they had wished for.
Senior, tell the Elephant People something. As for me, I am Dan, sorry, I am Done.
It is Me!
The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect The Chronicle’s editorial stance