Letter to Senior Opupulepu (125) “After Bragging and Failing, what do you tell your Moda-In-Law?”
Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and my family we are all do fine.
Senior, the other day I was telling you about the bout between the Great Leopard, our one and only Omanhene Odinihuni Nana Onsurowuo Owuobiayeowuo, and our ex-former, before-before Omanhene Odinihu Nana Ontiaobiara Onaapowura.
Senior, you see Odinihu is now saying that he did not lose the bout because the referee who was the fetish priestess of the lot casting shrine did not count his blows that landed on our Omanhene’s forehead. He swore that out of the one hundred fifty blows he threw, four hundred and fifty landed safely at the point of destination.
Senior, when asked how one hundred and fifty blows which left his territorial area become four hundred and fifty at their point of destination, Onaapowuraa spoke and said that he had financially engineered a departure method for his blows, so that they multiply themselves into thrice below they land on his opponent. It is like pressing a trigger once, but releasing three bullets.
Senior, when asked why those blows had no effect on our Omanhene, Odinihu said our Great Leopard took in prohibited drugs before the fight, and so he must be tested. He emphasised that his blows were like neutron bombs and nothing, not even the air, can survive it.
Senior, he added that the Omanhene must be subjected to chemical interrogation, made to pay a visit to Antoa Nyama, and made to take a trip to Nogokpo to find out how he could stand his blows and be alive today to tell the story.
Senior, Onaapawuara was reminded that whenever one doubts the referee’s verdict on lot casting matters, the only way to find out the truth was to visit the bar where old men and women sit around doing practically nothing, to tell one’s story.
Senior, there and then we found a problem. Onaapowura and his Umbrella family are not like friend-friends with the bars that old men and women sit there doing nothing but only hearing lies being told to them.
Senior, one may say “Whow!!!” combining why and how. Well the truth of the matter is that one fine morning, all the gods and spirits of the Umbrella clan entered inside the inside of Asi Edu ke Nkatie, the family head of the Kwasiaa Be Nti branch of the Umbrella clan, and he said “kwasia, kwasia,” things.
Senior, Opanin Asi Edu ke Nketie said that only kwasia, kwasia people, as in people who wash their faces upwards and sideways, people who put on pancake on the faces, lipo, lipo on their lips, powder their armpits and asieho, spray Hausa lavender on themselves and grease their body with nkuto before they step inside the bathroom to bath, go to such bars where old men and women sit, by heart.
Senior, Asi Edu ke Nkatie said, and I quote him: “Only stupid idiots go to the bars where these old men and women sit doing nothing but only listening to toolii.”
Senior, he even poured libation when he said this, calling on the gods and ancestors to come and bear him witness, and cut small apio.
Senior, the gods of Ogyakrom demand and insist that anyone who doubted the works of the fetish priest or priestess of the lot casting shrine must tell their story in the bar where old men and women just sit there collecting air.
Senior, all of Ogyakrom is saying that Onaapowura must enter into the bar where these old men and women just sit there counting the flies that perch on the ceiling and tell his story, because the Great Leopard cannot cheat him like that. It was just a game, but look where Nana Onsurowuo has taken things to.
Senior all we heard was that Onapowura took a decision to proceed and ask for the services of Antoa Nyamaa and the Nogokpo gods to resolve this simple matter.
Senior, people reminded him again that it is only the old men and women who sit in a bar and snore as they take their siesta, who can grant him the permission to consult the gods of Antoa Nyama and Nogopo.
Senior and it is this bar, where old man and women sit counting the days left for payday to come, that all Umbrella people, including Onapowura, have vowed not to enter. In fact, they claim they are now born again and do not want to yoke with people who patronise bars.
Senior the truth of the matter is that Onapowura is so much afraid that people will call him a stupid something if he ever enters into a bar where old men and women sit and fan themselves in the heat. Not on his life should he be labelled as such.
Senior, another reason why Onapowura is mis-conducting himself and asking his Umbrella people to do likewise, like taking over the village squares and footpaths, and dancing azonto and mess-up in the most profane manner, causing unnecessary traffic like they did only yesterday, is that he, the Onapowura, knows that he was beaten well, well.
He was the one who entered into the boxing ring; he alone received those deadly punches from Onsurowuo and was just glad that Yahweh allowed him to live to see the following day and the days thereafter. Yes, he alone knew how he was humiliated in the ring, and definitely, he alone knew that he lost that bout. But in all these, he cannot tell his people he lost the fight.
Senior, after bragging to his mother-in-law; after bragging to all the azonto dancing daughters of Eve that he was certainly going to be the next Omanhene, but unfortunately he lost, his pride and prejudice will not permit him to say he lost… daabi da.
Senior, the worse thing will be rather for the old men and women who sit in the bar competing with each other as to who could drink most to formally announce that he Onapowura lost, but for him to open his mouth and say he has lost… na lie-lie.
Senior, as you see, the Onapowura has decided to create and share confusion, because he is shy-shying to speak the truth to his mother-in-law. In fact, he thinks the old woman will regret ever allowing her beautiful virgin daughter to be the wife of such a weak, “strength-less” human, who only brags but cannot perform. Please, I am not referring to that performance, so caution your mind about its waywardness. The number of children coming out of Onapowura can constitute a tribe.
Senior, Onapowura’s mother-in-law is allergic to non-performing braggarts and will not spare him if, in fact, the truth comes out that he, indeed, lost that bout against Onsurowuo. Our ex-former before-before Omanhene is in the same difficult situation that New-Gin found himself when he visited his mother-in-law and bragged that he cannot consume that big bowl of banku against the pleas of the old lady, who insisted he ate what he could and leave the rest for the children. I think I told you what happened, but I did not tell you how New-Gin solved that problem.
Senior, he took a good look at the open window, and guess what he did. I believe Onapowura should consult New-Gin for a resolution to his problem.
As for me I am Dan, sorry I am Done.