Letter to Senior Opupulepu (123) Captain Chaos has fallen
Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and my family we are all do fine.
Senior, are you aware that our great man, Togbui Xornametor, Togbui Peace-Perfect-Peace, Togbui Amekedziavu, Togbui My Daughter’s Somethings Are Beautiful, our one and only Captain Chaos, has gone to the life hereafter, leaving behind his beautiful wife, Naanaa“Ten Corn” Archie-man, and children.
Senior, the way Captain Chaos went was not proper at all. He did not look like he was about to travel somewhere, and like joke, like joke he was just testing a new bed in the witch doctor’s office when he might have felt too comfortable, so he decided to continue his long awaited leave somewhere else with his ancestors.
Senior, if it were leave, he should have come, we will take him to a certain Daniel Different Stomach, who is now the expert in leave-taking in Ogyakrom. Daniel’s leave has been commuted into light years, so that we can pronounce the duration well, well.
Senior, we heard Daniel Different Stomach is feeling so bored, since he is the only one in the skuul and so he will do with some mate in order to chat the boring afternoons away and/or go hunting lizards and field mice.
Senior, I believe if people had told Captain Chaos, he would have gone to keep Daniel Different Stomach company. But like the action man, as he had always been, Captain Chaos obeyed the order to report over there without complaining, and I think by now he would have been flying sorties into Wofa Sasa Abonsam’s fiery village and dropping in some bombs to make all hell break loose in hell.
Senior, the elders say Abusua Do Funu, aka Family Adore Dead Bodies. You see, immediately they heard that Captain Chaos had departed for good, the Umbrella people immediately went to order and paid for three caskets. Why three? The Umbrella people said they were really going to bury their king and their god.
Senior, they say one casket will contain all Captain Chaos’ personal effects like love letters from his before-before girl-friends, lovers, chics and their photos. It is important that these accompany him so that if he is feeling bored, he can read them out loud and listen to their voices for listening pleasure. Also, if these letters, photos, handkerchiefs, et al the other etceteras don’t go, and Naana Archie-Man finds them and reads them, and/or glances at those photos of side-chics, front-chics and back-chics, she might not feel fine, as she may grow wild and beat up her own children, because Captain Chaos will not be around to receive such beatings.
Senior, the second casket is for his souvenirs like leftovers of yor ke gari and all other matters. If he is hungry on the way he can chop some of the yor ke gari some.
Senior, the last casket was going to be his chamber, and the Umbrella people made sure that it contained a cockpit, since Captain Chaos can fly iron birds like nobody’s business. Like they had wanted to add someone with him to be serving him in the life hereafter, however, none of the Umbrella people looks that fresh and handsome to be assigned this assignment.
Senior, the Umbrella people are not done yet. They have drawn out programmes of activities leading to his departure at the departure lounge. The Umbrella people are saying that since Captain Chaos is the true son of the soil, they will take his body across to all the clans in Ogyakrom, so that the kinsmen and kinswomen will view his face, dance with him small, and kiss him good-bye. And considering the number of clans in Ogyakrom, it will mean that this ceremony alone will take sixty to seventy-two moons.
Senior, the Umbrella people are drafting a comprehension paper of activities of programmes for moons leading to the final departure.
Senior, this annoyed the Okpo Whites, and they came out to remember the Umbrella people that if people say Ogyakromians are said to be short-minded, as for them, they are exceptions to rule, they can remember from far, far away.
Senior, things that poured out from their mouths should resemble, your eyes, sorry in this case, your ears, it does not resemble your talking.
Senior, hmmmm, things we thought had been long buried and all the bones rotten were served us on our dinner plates. The Okpo White people are saying that a certain ward of a palm wine tapper could open his mouth as he would when drunk above his limit with palm wine and say Captain Chaos was, in fact, a mongrel. Not just any mongrel, but the flea-infested, flies attracting, maggots under-skin mongrel, who go scavenging for food and services on garbage heaps. The kind that barks by heart without a barking permit. I hear Asi-Edu ke Nkatie said this, as for me, hmmmm.
Senior, this is very serious, because it was this man who Asi-Edu classified as the barking mongrel who picked him out of palm wine bars, dusted him down, and gave him the first real bath he ever had, then clothed him in rich costumes to make you also look like a person, and he called him a barking mongrel.
Senior, that was not all, Captain Chaos was done yet. What was done to Yesu Christus Emmanuel was done him some, as they spat on him, plucked his beard to make shoe brush, and boxed his ears by people he made to become human beings.
Senior, according to sources, Captain Chaos had no choice, but to separate the family and friends he had to join only the family. He was said to be very lonely and dejected, especially when Naanaa was not around.
Senior, so now the family is asking what the hell are the Umbrella people doing in the house, saying they too are coming to bury Captain Chaos, but not to praise him.
Senior, they say people live by their names. You see, the man was not called Chaos for nothing. Even in death, this characteristic quality keeps hovering around him.
Senior, a certain Victoria Counterpart came to announce to all and sundry, sundry and all, that Yahweh had decided to receive his prodigal son two days to the birthday of His Beloved Son, so that there will be many days of celebration. And this Victoria Counterpart claimed to be the Champion Atta in the family.
Senior, then all the headsmen from Captain Chaos’s clan said they were not informed of the death of their colleague, so no departure ceremony without them knowing and partaking inside. Their mouths did not get down when a certain Napoleon Bonaparte also came to say they are family and must decide for everyone.
Senior, the confusion is now basaaa, and these chaotic scenes from Captain Chaos’ departure have overshadowed the lot-casting ceremony that will happen next quarter moon.
Senior, in all, I pity the Umbrella people. Some have taken all their accumulated leave just to be in good shape for this departure. Others have sold their huts and lands in order to make show on that day, so that they will be respected as they-too-have-some. Other have even given away their girlfriends in exchange for money to tear show, and upon all this, even if they are allowed to the funeral grounds, the Umbrella people will be put in the friends and sympathisers category.
Senior, as for me, I am Dan, sorry I am Done,