Letter to Senior Opupulepu (118) The umbrellas and one Miludu?
Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How are you do? As for me and my house we are all do fine.
Senior, do you know that “if your next door neighbour’s beard is catch-ed bush fire, go for Kufuor gallon of water and start teaching your beard swimming lessons, just in case,” is not respected by some and sundry, sundry and some?
Senior, the other day in far, far away Ohemaa Auntie Lizzy’s home village, a certain team and another team were playing gutter-to-gutter. It was between Tro-tro Men Hots Specs and United Men Cooperative. Senior, from all indications, the Tro-tro Men looked very inferior on paper and in stature. But like joke, like joke, they outplayed, outshined, out-dribbled and outscored the United Men, giving them sixty goals to ten. Can you imagine that?
Senior, while that gutter-to-gutter game was going on, two other teams in this same Ohemaa Auntie Lizzy’s village were about to play after that match, where the United Men were disunited and put to great shame and tribulations, walking to the field as men and walking out of the field like day nursery girls.
Senior, the teams were Unilever Pool and Stone Villa. And as things were, before the match, the Unilever boys were, in fact, not boys but giants compared to the Stone Villa boys, who were like baby Pygmies.
Senior, while the United Men were disgraced, humiliated and spiritually torn to shreds, the Unilever boys did not take any lessons to go for Kufuor gallons full of water to teach their beards swimming lessons. They decided that the match will be a walk-over, step-over, jump-over, and will actually be over before the first half.
Senior, it turned out that the Stone Villa toddlers taught the Unilever boys some serious gutter-to-gutter lessons, and in the game, they thrashed, whipped and scourged them so badly that the Unilever boys quickly negotiated with the referee to close the match thirty minutes before time, with the excuse that they wanted to catch the last bus to their hamlet, which was going to depart in thirty-five minutes. They were then leading from the bottom with sixty goals against five goals for.
Senior, they had to bribe the referee, promising to give all his children and grandchildren Free SHS, before the referee blew the whistle for the close of the match, with the scores reading seventy-five goals for the Stone Villa toddlers and seven goals for the Unilever Pool boys. The referee gave an excuse that his wife had sent information that his supper of ampesi and abomo was catching cold.
Senior, are you aware that, that insolent and daft spirit of not going for Kufuor gallons when your friend’s beard has catch-ed bushfire is in the Umbrella peoples inside? You remember when Mama-Gin, of no relationship to New-Gin, appeared in the village square straight from the shrine, clad in white chalk all over her skin and face, with her whole body shaking like a tree in a windstorm, and smoke coming from her mouth and nose like someone who was smoking the weeds that Kofi Broni call it wee and we call it ami na awo? She had a message from the gods.
Senior, you remember that Mama-Gin spoke and proclaimed that anyone whose right hand can easily go over their head and touch their left ear should consider themselves full grown mosquitoes and have to be counted and branded as villagers of Ogyakrom, and, therefore, be eligible to cast lots in the eighth coming lots casting festival.
Senior, you remember that some Umbrella people, in conjunction with people like Kuul-Joe and Akwasi-Pat, vowed that the counting and branding was unholy and demonic. Then a certain small boy from the Umbrella family, by name Efovi, said things that even full grown men will never say in public. He offered his family jewels to be removed and fed to the dogs if Mama-Gin could be able to commerce and complete the exercise book she wanted to use. In fact, this small boy swore to the gods that he was ready to be transgendered from an Adam into an Eve.
Senior, as you know the counting and branding went on successfully, and even all the against people were the first to arrive at the fetish shrines near them to complete the process, and this included Efovi, who is now in a predicament of how to renegotiate with the gods so that his family jewels are spared.
Senior, the rest, they say, is inscribed in history books. As things stand today, as Ogyakromians are sooner than sooner going to cast lots, we have all manner of people making predictions and prophecies, and saying things before they think.
Senior, out of the blue, we heard a voice coming from the Umbrella quarters shouting “One miludu,” and we thought the people there were playing ludo.
Senior, we went to find out and saw it was one Obiba Amidu Hard-Ruler, a one-time applicant for Municipal Police position in the Ablele Small Center Forward kiosk. And in fact, he was not playing ludo, but rather doing his own predictions. Waking up after seeing Esther one afternoon, he decided to interpret his day-mare to the major and general public. His started his predictions saying that our Omanhene, Nana Onsurowuo Owuobiayeowu, will not get even One Miludu of the lots. What exactly was he told in his dream? He said if the Great Leopard gets anything close to or equal to One Miludu, then the people of Ogyakrom hate the truth.
Senior, the man has insulted us, sorry you and all others, as for me, I am not among. This man is saying that the whole of Ogyakromians, excluding me by the way, will be people who hate the truth and love lies should Odinihuni win the lot casting. But from the look of things, our Omanhene is surely going to win the lot casting, and so that places every one, excluding me of course, as people who get easily deceived and follow the untruth.
Senior, Hard-Ruler said this, and I put coat on it: “When we vote for the Great Leopard we are discouraging other politricksters not to tell the truth…”
Senior, I am getting confused. Was it not Obiba Amidu Hard-Ruler’s lord and personal saviour, the Odinihu Nana Ontiaobiara Onaapowuraa, who said, and I put coat on that: “In politricks, especially during campaign, every practitioner in this trade can mix lies with truth like how we mix waakye with leaves and gari before eating. It is normal and accepted?”
Senior, is this guyman Obiba Amidu Hard-Ruler a person who thinks well, well? In fact, I am not insulting him, but when it is obvious that his neighbours do and say things that burn their beards, he is looking on and not going to get a Kufuor gallon full of water to teach his beard how to swim, but rather committing the same fouls his people do to shame themselves and praise the devil?
Senior, if from his clan they accept to lie, why should he come and insult us, excluding me? As for this, I am casting my lot for the Great Leopard, and dare he come and say I love lies, like he will know the hour they soak beans before cooking waakye.
Senior, I am Dan, sorry I am Done.