Letter to Senior Opupulepu (64)
Dear Senior Opupulepu, how do you do? As for me and my house, we are all do fine. Senior, today’s matter is a matter I have thought and thought and thought, and have decided to tell you. Before narrating what I want to narrate, please hear this something.
Senior, there was a certain young well educated man who was long-listed for an interview for a job which already had ninety-eight per cent of the vacancies filled.
Senior, when it got to his turn to be interviewed, this was what happened.
Panellist: Can we have your telephone number.
Job Seeker: Thank you very much. My phone number which is “O-Two-O…”
Panellist: Sorry you do not say “O”. You say Zero, understood?
Job Seeker: Yes Sir and thank you. My number is Zero-Two-Zero…
Panellist: Good! Now, can you spell your name and pronounce it for the records.
Job Seeker: Thank you again. It is Capital Zero-P-Zero-K-U…OPOKU.
Senior Opupulepu, in Ogyakrom today, some Capital Zero-P-Zero-K-U, who, in NASA terminology I will call simply CZPZ, is in big trouble with his kinsmen who want to castrate him…WHOW! As in combining Why and How. They have vowed never to make him be able to go to Suhum-Nsawam ever again.
Senior, you must know that high skuul in the third skuul category where people train to be fitters, mechanics, machine repairers, watch repairers and all things high tech and low tech. That high skuul located in the heart of the province where people can brag about everything in good or in bad. If they are poor they brag, if they are rich they brag; if they get new lover they brag, if someone thiefs their lover they brag, and even if they have nothing to brag about, they brag.
Senior, in this fitter-fitter skuul in the third skuuling category they have tents that house the apprentices. In some of the tents, there are only sons of Adam, and in others, only daughters of Eve, and yet in others there are unifications of the sexes.
Senior, do not be alarmed, even though girls and boys share one mat and bath in one bathroom. The opposite sexes see fiilifiili what the other has got and they have not got, and even touch, feel and examine one and the other’s something and study how it functions without studying their notes and learning for the next class test. Senior, there is no cause for alarm, because there is a rumour going on that all the girls in those co-ed tents have got the Roman sisters genes some, and so they touch not the un-anointed and do the opposite sexes something no pleasure, if though this rumour is true, please keep it to yourself.
Senior, with the boys there is a rumour making rounds that they are all descendants of the Ethiopian eunuch who Uncle Filipo met in the Bible, so they cannot do tii. And that even if you locked them up for one moon with women you have tasted the thing some before, these women will come out virgins again, and again, even though these rumours are also true, please keep them to yourself.
Senior, there are tents dedicated to only male apprentices who are to work only on Apostle KwadwoSafo’sKantanka iron horses and another dedicated to only male apprentices who are to repair football boots of players of Kwahu United.
Senior, lo and behold, the Headmaster of this apprentice shop in the third skuul category had a prophesy, not from God, but from Prophet Kofi Badu (not the footballer) the Salted-Tilapia, that all girls entering that apprentice shop of the skuul in the third skuul category are bad, wild, and too ambitious. So the best thing is to mix them with boys, like how gari and beans are mixed in the bowl of a hungry man. And lo and behold, lots were cast, and the lots fell on the Kantanka and Kwahu United tents.
There and then, all the boys in both tents grew wild with fear and intimidation, and issued a warning that mixing them with girls, like mixing gari and beans in the bowl of a hungry man, is absolutely against their human rights, wrongs and lefts. They claimed that just as Samson tasted no wine since his born day, they have also not tasted the forbidden fruit of the opposite sex ever since they were born. And went on to produce sworn affidavits to prove that not only were they from the Oramus Katholici church, but were going to be priests in that church someday.
Senior, a petition was petitioned to one of the noble servants of the Great Leopard, who is in charge of skuuls in all the categories, from the feeding bottle skuuls to kola nut chewing ones. He is our man of the moment, CZPZ.
Senior Opupulepu, this CZPZ man is a direct descendant of the Otumfuo who was kidnapped by the Ngleshie people and sent to Say-Shells, and also was brought up and down by a dyed-in-the-wool Oramus Katholici woman. He went through all the petitions and sworn affidavits, and concluded that only petition from those from the tent housing Apostle Safo’s future apprentices hold water. Every male child there has been dedicated to the Pope to be a Katholici priest.
As for the apprentices of the Kwahu United tent, their mouths were like a Kwahu trader who always changes the prices of his wares by the minute. Ask a Kwahu trader how business is going, and he will respond that sales are bad, meanwhile, he has just deposited a forty-footer container of cowries in the bank and waiting for a ship load of goods to come. On top of this, all the apprentices in that tent were assigned members of a certain Prophet Obinim, who can sleep with their subordinate wives and brag about it. In fact, they have not seen an Oramus Katholici Church before, let alone enter one.
Senior, CZPZ who fears God, decided to talk some for the Kantanka boys, and even suggested that that tent should be turned into a Katholici Seminary, but was so loudly silent about the Kwahu United boys. In fact, he held his breath and mouth on their matter, because he was once upon a time a Kwahu United apprentice.
Senior, for deciding to “Sunday skuul no talking” the United boys attacked him for his silence. They claimed he was the one pushing for them to be mixed with girls like gari is mixed with beans in a hungry man’s bowl of gari and beans.
They went to a shrine and made a blood covenant that if they do not run CZPZ down in the village, then it is not them. They will make sure that he never holds any job, be it apprentice, driver’s mate, chop better seller, newspaper vendor, market porter or ogyateshie seller. They went on to say that if CZPZ likes he should say “Fii,” and they will dislodge him from his wife; hear, in fact, some of them are eying the beautiful woman and would like to have her that is why.
Senior, CZPZ’s politricks vocation is also in danger, as the United boys have also meant to make him forever be in the opposition party. What they do not know is that CZPZ is going to be next Otumfuo, and when that happens, let us see how they will line up to pay homage to him. Senior, they know not that in blind hatred and desire to bring down CZPZ, they are attempting to castrate a wild and mad bull.
So, so skin pain. Small post son of man is chopping, and look at what the against are planning to do to him.
As for me I am Dan, sorry I am Done.