Letter to Senior Opupulepu (59)
Dear Senior Opupulepu, the end times have draweth nearest… hmmmmm… Anyway, sorry… How do you do? I hope you are do fine. I and my family are all do fine in Yesu’s Name.
Senior, the Day of the Lord has draweth nearest and the End times has come down upon Homosapiens! So please repent…oooooo …Repent! In fact, all the bad, bad things you do in dark corners will be brought into the light, so repent!
Senior, because I like you well, well, since you were the only senior who did not homo me, if you refuse to repent, all I can do is to beg Yahweh Himself not to send you to Wofa Sasabonsam’s village, but pitch a canopy for you near the entrance gate of Yahweh’s Great City, so that you look on as we enter into glory.
Senior, why am I so alarmed today? I am alarmed today, because Yesu Christus Emmanuel has set foot physically in Flesh upon this sinful, ginful, wineful, lustful planet again. Yes, He did so last moon, and once again, humans have despatched Him to His Glory. Yes, humans still do not believe in the Messiah.
Senior, this time though, He was not slaughtered like a Christmas goat for goat pepper soup, like was done to Him by the people of Judea in Palistinia. This time, because His presence did not violate any degree of felony, he was not jailed but packaged into an iron bird and told to seen here no more, without any bye-bye.
Senior, this happened in a certain village in the Far East of Abibiman. It was that village from which the occupants of the Ogyakromian hamlet called Kenyasi migrated from.
It happened that one fine day, the people of this village encountered the signs of the times, and they saw and they believed, for, according to the Love Letters written by Wofa Matthew paragraph 24 from line 3, the second coming of Yesu Christus Emmanuel will be preceded by the following events: chiefdoms will rise up against chiefdoms; there will be shortage of food and abundance of diseases and earthquakes.
He continued to say that the true followers of Yahweh will be slaughtered like Christmas nkukor, but awam prophets and teachers will sprout like mushrooms and come to deceive sinners and saints alike.
Things that my grandfather, Daniel in the Lions’ Den, spoke about will come to pass. Senior, Wofa Matthew concluded that lightning will strike in the East, and Yesu Christus will appear in Flesh.
True talk, the chiefdom of Alavanyo rose up against that of Nkonya to decide which chiefdom has women with flat behinds, and because of a guinea fowl which was denied visa to Burkina, the chiefdom of Konkonba rose up against that of Nanumba and did battle over who should eat the left leg and head of that poor guinea fowl who was doing new passport to apply for visa under a new name.
Senior, suddenly there were a lot more mouths to feed, because all the koborlor boys who should have been chasing lizards and field mice on empty stomachs are now in skuul enjoying free education and free feeding.
Also, due to the rainy season, the weather has brought itself and cold coldness spread across the land, bringing with it the worst epidemic in life that has no cure, and this is broken heartedness. You, see due to the coldness of the season, akupas and apuskelekes are very wild. Anyone who takes things for granted and relaxes small, instead of going to seek his or her lover, will find them in the opposite sexes’ arms, drawing heat, pure and clean organic heat. The result is the spreading of the broken heartedness epidemic. This broken heartedness has no cure, because super-glue sef cannot hold the broken pieces together. I know you catch one before, remember? That was when the charcoal seller’s daughter snubbed you and you failed exams for the first time in your life. So you know how deadly broken-heart can be. Anyway, she later walked straight into your arms.
Senior, due to the fact that Elephants are now ruling Ogyakrom and Amerlika, everywhere you go you hear and feel kukrudu. And in Burkina and Naija villages many true followers of Yesu Christus are slaughtered like Christmas akukor.
Then awam and lie-lie prophets and teachers started sprouting out like mushrooms, and talking things God had not even thought could happen in all creation; like saying that all women are demonic and satanic; that they have evil magic to transform themselves into foot rugs, and that they also act fool, fool like nobody’s business. These, they claim, Yahweh told them to say; meanwhile, the Father of Yesu Christus Emmanuel’s Father insists He knows nothing of these.
Senior, Wofa Matthew also said that when lightning strikes in the East, like someone lighting his jot, Yesu Christus will appear. And surely, goodness and mercy, immediately lightning struck in the East of Abibiman, he appeared on the land of the Ancestral Home of the Occupants of Kenyasi.
Senior, come and see history repeating itself with all the downtrodden hailing him and putting him on an iron donkey to parade the principal streets of that village in the East of Abibiman, reviving the original Palm Sunday.
Senior, two things confused my confused mind. This Yesu Christus, even though he looks like the One we know, he looks too lean like he had been starved in Heaven, while at the same time doing walatu-walasa all day in that Land of Glory. In fact, he looked so relieved down here on Earth below, as if he was in such a hurry to leave his Father’s Kingdom.
Also, when He first came to us in person, He told us never to collect money for missionary labour, and that freely we receive, freely we must give. But, this time, he was holding a collection basket and collecting shillings from the poor and not the rich, demanding that this time round no widow’s mite will be accepted.
Senior, so some went for susu because they were told that the money was to pay for deposit for rent in single room apartments when they go to Heaven.
Senior, history continued to repeat itself, as the elders in the village thought this new Yesu was going to form a politrickster party to unseat the established status quo. So they decided to terminate his stay in this village ruled by the Kikuyu Prince, “If-It-Boils” Kenya Atta Panin II, son of Chief Jomoro Kenya Atta Panin I.
Senior, but these elders turned things round. In the first instance, Yesu Christus was slaughtered, daring His angels to come down and fight humans if they think they are men. But, this time, due to abundance of human rights and lefts, this Yesu Christus was bundled into an iron bird by force and made to ascension into Heaven without first resurrection from the dead. It was rather his local followers you were put to jail, the Johannes Baptist jailing some with a warning that if they make any bad prophesy, they will be slaughtered; a violation of free speaking!
Senior, this is Abibiman where we are true believers and disbelievers, seeing and unseeing Yesu Christus Emmanuel in any human at all. Blessed are we who see but don’t believe and who believe but don’t see.
I think I have to go for confession on this so I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
It is Me!