Letter to Senior Opupulepu (58)
Dear Senior Opupulepu, I hope you are do fine. As for me and my house, we are all do fine.
Senior, I hope Missus is not around; I mean the Madam of the house and of your heart. Senior, it is all over that Yahweh the Most High had spat into the mouth of a certain Okomfo Nyame-Nipa called Kofi Badu (not the footballer) to prophesy to all and sundry and sundry and all that the cause of all our problems is woman.
Senior, you see, after Yahweh had cultivated that beautiful garden of Hidden, He made the mistake of putting the first man and the first woman, Adama and Eno Eva, there. In fact, the two were naked, meaning they both could see each other’s somethings with swag, but since Suhum-Nsawam was not yet on the map of the world, they never desired to embark on that trip.
Senior, one day while Adama was racing with the grasscutters and lizards, and Eno Eva was sitting down calmly under the shade of the alatsa tree, Brother Long came in, without knocking. You see, the woman was naked, so he should have announced his intentions before getting closer, but Brother Long did not.
When he came he asked Eno Eva whether Yahweh said they should eat from all the fruit trees in the garden. Eva and her gblegble mouth, volunteered the secret Yahweh had told her husband and her. “He said we can eat from all fruit trees, but not of that aluguntugui tree, because if we do, we shall go six feet under!”
Brother Long debunked what Yahweh had said to the first humans and added that “If you eat, you will not wear specs again and your eyes will be like telescope and microscope combined together.” There and then, Eno Eva plucked the fattest and juiciest aluguntugui, the size of her breast, and ate all.
Sooner than later, Adama came panting like a dog and sat down under the same tree to catch oxygen small. Eno Eva offered him the forbidden fruit and he too did not refuse, but ate it in one go. Then there eyes opened; “So it is true that we can now see better, know better and chop better.” And they saw each other and shy-shy caught them and they got to know what is called nakedness. Adama’s something attempted greeting “good afternoon”, but because of shyness, he quickly covered it with kontomire leaves. Eno Eva went for Osino Graphic leaves to cover her upstairs and her downstairs in her lady’s chamber.
Then Yahweh appeared there, but for the first time, since creation, Adama and Eva did not come to do Him, “Paapa ooo, dende,” and make him “Awaa, awaa atuuu.” So as a good Father, He called out their names, “Adama Adams,” “Present, Sir!” “Eno Eva Eve,” “Present!” So He demanded where they were, and Adama said “We are naked!” There Yahweh knew that there was a problem, so He asked if they had tasted the alugutungui fruit, and listen to their responses.
“Yahweh, it is this woman you gave me, who put some in my mouth. If you had given me a woman of my choice, all this will not have happened.” Yahweh ignored his stupidity, for at that time there was only one woman in the world.
The woman also said: “Yahweh, it was Brother Long who made me to eat it. If you had put responsible animals in the garden, all this would not have happened.” Yahweh turned to Brother Long and questioned him on what happened.
“You see, if you had not put that tree where you put it, I would not have climbed it to ask the woman to eat the fruit. It is that tree’s fault.” Yahweh, in His Love and Kindness, co-efficiently distributed punishment to man, woman and animal. So to this day, woman can lure man to do what he could not think of doing. It is so to this day, that monarchs and strong men, like that son of Jersey and Samsonite, could fall from grace to grass because of women. So is how a small unintelligent Junior High School (JHS) apuskeleke lying on a mat with a stingy old man, her grandfather’s senior brother’s age mate, can calmly wipe the man’s entire susu accounts clean, and it will take moons before the man gets to know what he had done to himself.
Senior, as things were in the beginning, so is it to this day and that was why, they say, “Fear Yahweh and live long, fear woman and live forever.” So it came to pass that as the village was patiently awaiting the next series of end of year prophecies, this okomfo Nyame-nipa, jumped the gun and announced that Yahweh said all Ogyakromian women are bad.
According to the Founder, Rector, Vice-Chancellor and Head Pastor of the Glorious Waves International Cathedral, Okomfo Kofi Badu (not the footballer), said that Angel Obinim told him that Angel Gabriel told him that Archangel Michael told him that the Seraphim told him that Yahweh the Most High said that He had great regrets creating women, especially the War-Because women, the Half-Because women, and last, but not the least, the Ewoezo women.
“Whow? Combining Why and How, one may ask. According to Kofi Badu (not the footballer, all War-Because women are true supporters of Asante Kotoko, since the red jersey can always be found in their eyes. They reduce their husbands to nothing and embezzle all their wealth, leaving them destitute. Only wise men from that clan avoid marrying their women, so, according to him, Yahweh has placed a temporal embargo on marrying of these women.
As for the Ewoezo women, they love to always cook agble and fetridetsi so that when their men eat and decide to go into another woman’s arms, the okro’s lines of credit would lead them to catch their men. To prevent such occurrences, Okomfo Kofi Badu (not the footballer) said the Ewoezo men used to wipe their hands and feet in the faces of their wives, blinding them before they sneak out.
As for the Half-Because women, they act like comedy-comedy and fry anything at all for their men to eat. Even they can fry banana, wuaaaa look?
According to this Okomfo man, Yahweh has decreed that so shall it be, with the life and character of these types of women until Sodom and Gomorrah rise out of the ashes; meaning no salvation for them and no salvation for the men who marry them. He added that only the wise virgins understood the prophecy and praised him, and only the foolish virgins misunderstood him and are bashing him.
Senior Opupulepu, since this Okomfo Nyame-nipa is from the War-Because clan is he including the womb that brought him forth as greedy, wicked and uncaring?
Senior, this is why, as for me, my wife and family we love the Oramus Church. Our osofos respect women, and it is only this church that holds women in high esteem. After Eva Adama came Ave Mariama, the daughter of the Son who is honoured as the greatest of all humans, so why should women be insulted?
Senior, I want to believe that some of these so called Okomfo Nyame-nipas just say something at all and say it was God who told them to say so.
Yoooo, tell them something, for on that day when they are asked why they made such irresponsible statements, they should not answer like how Adama answered, by saying they are naked and then pass on the blame. Yahweh had heard this before and it did not move Him, one bit.
As for me, I am Dan, no Done, sorry, in fact, I am not Done respecting my wife.
It is Me.