Letter to Senior Opupulepu (55)
Dear Senior Opupulepu, how do you do? I hope you are do fine, just as I am also do fine.
Senior Opupulepu, do you know what is so amazing? In Amerlika they have developed a certain interrogating device called a lie-detector that can tell whether you are speaking the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Yahweh, or in more simple elaborative terms, whether you are lying.
You see, Senior, I seriously have my doubts that such a machine can catch any Ogyakromian liar. This is so, because from child-birth, the Ogyakromian educates and trains himself or herself on how to lie and lie well, well. In fact, it is in our blood, as it is also in our jeans trousers. Lie-lie is genetic, and, in fact, it comes naturally to a Bibini born, and it is utilised at the least opportunity.
Senior, the reason is not far-fetched, because a typical Bibini parent’s hobby and pastime is to beat children for good, bad, or no reasons at all. So, if a child did something wrong and he owns up, he gets beaten. In fact, even speaking the truth is such a grievous offence that will make them beat you, well, well.
So the principle developed and adopted is safety first, and here in Bibiman, it is the lie and not the truth that will always set you free. Lie and continue to lie, and even when you are caught, keep lying to the end. In such matters, one can swear he or she is a twin and that the other twin was the culprit, even though their mother does not remember ever having twins in her life.
Lie is the word, because, as stated earlier, it is the lie that will set you free, even though an addicted child beater will still beat you anyway when you lie, though in this case the beatings will be softer than the beatings you will get when you become truthful and admit you did wrong.
Senior Opupulepu, it is in this condition of matters arising in the acts of lying that certain konkonsa practitioners were kidnapped, abducted, arrested, hooked by their trousers at the waist by our village chief watchmen for lie-lying about the Great Leopard Odinihuni Nana Onsurowuo Owuobiayeowuo. Abaaa, Senior, in a village where everyone is a potential liar, why be selective in picking and choosing who to jorce by the waist for lying?
Senior, it was then that someone said that they were not kidnapped by the village chief watchmen not because they lied, but because they were dealing with some beings in outer space to stage a coup on all computers and laptops in the village! Whow! And Whow again, combining Why and How. In fact, someone swore, but not to Yahweh, that when she opened her laptop she heard this strange voice saying:
“Fellow villagers and citizens, this is Lance-Colonel Akpatsa Kokoe speaking. I am the leader of the revolution, and we have taken over all information transmitters. All those with single or multiple girlfriends should proceed with them to the nearest Professional Thief Slappers’ kiosk, where they will be surrendered to my office to perform private social secretary assignments until further notice. Meanwhile, all the beautiful daughters of Eve, under-aged, aged and a little over-aged, whether you are single and searching, single without searching, doubled as in married, or retired doubler as in divorcee, proceed to the nearest thief slappers’ kiosk for your own safety! Woe betides anyone who disobeys this order.”
Senior, hmmmm, come and see the beautiful daughters of Eve running “Helta Seketas and Skaaters” to buy kakamotobi masks and wear over their faces.
However it came to pass that the woman who said she heard that voice was lying, and are you surprised?
After interrogation, questioning and probing, the konkonsa practitioners were found to be innocent and as harmless as a piece of cat meat in an Ewoezo man’s pepper soup. So they were warned never to do what they never did in the first place, shown yellow cards, and freely released to go home and dream no more.
Senior, the whole show turned the village into an argument center, with people swearing that the Elephant people had wanted to use plaster and insulation tape to seal the mouths of all konkonsa practioners in Ogyakrom.
And immediately, this sounded like music in the ears of the Umbrella people, who descended upon the ex-convicts and organised a sumptuous feast for them with grilled elephant meat, to signify their intention to get rid of all elephants in Ogyakrom and beyond. The Umbrella people did not end there, they organised remedial classes for the ex-detainees, and, Senior, can you imagine the lessons they were taught? It was How to Lie.
Hmmmm…..the Umbrella people, led by Asi-Aduke Nkatie, wasted all the little resources they have to teach these konkonsa practioners how to lie and lie, big. Already, these people were naturally born liars and got into a vocation where the ability to lie is the most important criteria and requirement, and these Umbrella people are teaching them to lie? Are they ever serious?
The two, Emmanuel (not Yesu Christus) Abu-gari and another Emmanuel (again not Yesu Christus) Brick-Tomb, were put under a clash programme to lie that their hair was shaved, as in identification hair-cut; that naked women were made to dance in front of them, and if by mistake their something rose to greet the women akwaaba, the professional thief slappers would descend upon their faces and do what they know best; and that they were made to chew hard ebony wood for tweapea, and sleep sideways with one leg projecting upwards.
Bro. Emman Abu-gari went public to declare that he was seriously tortured, narrating all he was taught, and added that the worse was, he was made to sleep between two naked women, but woe betides…Senior, you know what I mean.
Sooner than later, Bro. Emman Brick-Tomb came to say that nothing happened to them. He went on to say they were lodged in very cosy high class facility, with top of the range buffet breakfast, lunch and supper. They had access to television and watch the Bibiman gutter-to-gutter competition going on. In fact, he even added that he wished he could go back there with his wife and children and stay just half moon, for a holiday retreat.
Senior, these Umbrella people are not serious, because how could you coach a liar to lie? It is like carrying charcoal to New Palace. Meanwhile, all the lies they taught these konkonsa practitioners to say could be found in the first chapter of the fifty-nine volumes of How to Lie, which they had to chew and be able to pour before they could pass their exams. So it was non-sylla; for if they are to lie, they want to lie some lie that has never been lied before, not this My First Copy Book type of lying.
Senior, the Umbrella people had incurred some huge financial loss to their pockets, and, mind you, if they ever come back to govern the village, they will cause greater financial loss to us. A word to the wise is in the Nuff!
Senior, as for I am not lying if I say I am Dan, sorry Done.
It is Me.