Letter to Senior Opupulepu (53)
My Dear Senior Opupulepu, how do you do? As for me and my house we are all do fine. Senior, you hear the saying that “there are many ways of killing a cat,” I mean “cat” as in okra, alontey, adadi or or simply meow, meow for short. This cat thing is a favourite delicacy of the Ewoezo clan, but they seem to love akukor more.
You must have heard of a court case, where Togbui Xornametor’s kinsman was standing trial for embezzling a fowl, a gallus gallus domesticus, under unapproved means. While awaiting his turn, someone who had also embezzled a goat was tried and sentenced to two moons. But when our man was called to the dock, he was quickly tried and sentenced to six months inside house-under with difficult labour.
He yelled in court and screamed, saying: “Someone thiefed one huge goat and you gave him two moons, as for me I thiefed this small fowl and you give me six moons. No problem, I will go and come back, and this time when I come I will thief a cow.”
Senior Opupulepu, certain scientific learning went into why clans in Ogyakrom love a particular diet, and when the team got to the Kpakpo Shito clan it had problems as to why if they don’t eat Ga Komi, but consume a forty-footer chop box of food, they will complain of starvation, not hunger, but starvation, and could even die.
In the west side of the village where we have the clan called Becos-of-half, the team tried hard to unravel why the Baconsons, Sausagesons, Eggsons and the Toastson, including all the other-sons, love anything that is fried. They do not eat boiled eggs but only fried eggs, and even their bread too they fry before eating. They say it is called French toast. The puzzling issue was even though they eat very lightly, they are capable of doing any hard work.
In the center circle of the village, this team did not understand why the members of the clan there prefer to exercise their muscles when preparing their favourite meal. The process alone sounds like people beating war drums, that is why they are a warlike clan who do not know how to even comb their hair, and it looks unkempt on their heads like porcupine quills.
On the side of the village which gets up first to welcome the rising sun, you have the Ewoezo clan, where a cat dares not make ruff or walk carelessly about. It will disappear into some hot pepper soup.
Senior, this team, made up scientists and professors, lab technicians and modern herbalists, was told by some konkonsa people, and I hope New-Gin was not among them, that the people of that clan love gallus gallus domesticus as their number one, and abroo, abele, eblii, blefo, corn or maize or zea mays, as their number two.
Their research came out that this is not factual, meaning it is not true. The findings found out that Togbui Xornametor’s clan people rather love zea mays. In fact, if you spied a beautiful lady from that clan that you love, do not think buying her eye-fon which will make her love you back. If you try that one you will fail. Just buy her a bag of maize and she is yours forever. In fact, her whole family will keep thanking you and showing appreciation till your next generation has come and gone.
Senior, the reason, according to the scientific finding, why gallus gallus domesticus featured in the equation is that the fowl is a strong competitor to this Ewoezo clan when it comes to consumption of maize or corn. In fact, the fowl will eat corn in whatever form it comes, whether raw, boiled, roasted or fried (apologies to the Becos-of-half clan), and whether washed or dirty it doesn’t care. But the homosapien has to go through numerous processes to turn this zea mays into a meal, by which time a small koklo would have consumed one bag. Waaa look, it is fair?
One thing about this Ewoezo clan, they do not like competition. If you try to competition them, then be prepared for battle and make sure you are protected, and man, you are covered. They will clear you, eliminate you, annihilate you, in fact, and even vapourise you. And this is what the koklo does not know, and it goes denying the members of this Ewoezo clan their number one diet, the corn or maize or zea mays for short.
When you have no protection, nothing to cover your body and soul in case of spiritual and physical attacks, then you must not cross the path of an Ewoezo person, and this is what the fowl does not know and it is not wanting to know. So, since the days of Adam, the Ewoezo clan has been at war with the fowl, which it kills by heart. Because they do not want to be charged and convicted of murder, they force themselves to eat it. So if you see them eating fowl meat, they do so under duress, not that they love it.
Senior, as for the cat, feliscatus, and the love of its meat, came to Togbui Xornametor and his clansmen and women from the womb. But the cat is not easy to eliminate from this world, thus, numerous ways have been derived to separate its soul from its body. We were told that it can be put in a sack and either drowned or lynched before the process is started to process it for the table. Man can use any other means known only to the Ewoezo people, but one simple method to avoid by all and any means possible is using a knife to slit its throat like is done to the fowl. We are told that if you dare try that, you will find yourself and all the members of your household in ghost land way ahead of the cat.
Senior Opupulepu, only recently it appeared like movies or cine when some akupa head-butted a cat to death, or did he actually do that, since we did not see him skinning the poor animal, but do not try that at home or school.
Senior Opupulepu, I also recently heard that a certain Kpakpo-Shito man, called Agyei Nii, is raising cats like he is doing poultry, and to date, he has plenty-plenty of them. Instead of putting them in battery cages, he is rearing them on free-range. Next door is a royal called Oheneba, I believe, from the land where their headman squats on a stool made from gold and diamonds. This man, Oheneba, operates a bush canteen, as in chop-bar, and has been having problems with the feliscatus animals, so he warned that he will start reducing their population.
Senior, lo and behold, the animals started acquiring transfer letters to journey on the journey of no return to the life hereafter to meet their master, Joseph, there.
Senior Opupulepu, Agyei Nii suddenly became a referee and blew the whistle and shouted “foul” and showed a red card to Oheneba. In such a case, the professional thief slappers had to come in to watch the reply and confirm or deny whether Oheneba was at fault.
What is paining Agyei Nii is that the over hundreds of acts that suddenly exited this life were those he had meant to offer as sacrifice and as charity to those who will visit him this homowo.
Senior Opupulepu, tell these Kpakpo-Shito clan people something – that one does not challenge the Ewoezo clan just like that. You touch their favourite and you are doomed. If they want to know more, they should go and ask the akukor.
I am Dan, sorry I am Done.