Letter to Senior Opupulepu (51)
Dear Snr Opupulepu,
How do you do? I hope you are do fine, just as by the mercy and grace of God, me also I am do fine, fine. And to all those homo sapiens around you, pickins, pickins friends and sympathizers, I say good-whatever to some of you.
Senior, it only Yahweh who makes today a day to have all your pickins, grandpickins and their friends and sympathizers around you, because the matter I am going to talk, is for their own good, their own welfare, their own well-being and for the good of all the beans they chop in their waakye and yorke gali.
Senior, I am sure you know about the buga-buga thief-slappers of your days. The “Massa say, make I bring you come!” people who wear black top over black shorts, bandage round their legs and bare-footed. They have something that looks like a calabash to cover their sakora head.
When these creatures approach into the location of your GPS location, they will not smile good morning, nor good afternoon and neither good evening so forget about good night coming from them. They were bearers of bad news, so no smiles, no good whatever but only those dreaded words, “Massa say, make I bring you come!”
And who is Massa? Massa is Akwasi Broni who came from across the rivers-without-river-banks from behind-the-corn or ebro-nekye or abrokye for short. Senior, such touch-light skin homo-sapiens were worshiped, adored and glorified by the Ogyakromian born thief-slappers who will do as they were commanded even if it meant dragging their mothers to the station and striping them naked for their dignities to be exposed to all amansan. Some can even kill their parents, if akwasi-broni asked them to.
Senior Opupulepu, we all thought that ever since we declared ourselves as been capable and incapable of managing and mismanaging our own matter, this favouritism, the worship and adoration and glorification of akwasi-broni will cease to exit. Senior, not knowing we were just dreaming.
Senior Opupulepu, the Begoro-Burger who squats on the armchair of the Umbrella Peoples’ Party recently declared that from henceforth from today to go, firecrackers as in knock-outs will be thrown before Christmas. Also any human who walks without direction will be caught in a net and kept away in a pen hidden from the sights of humans and gentiles and even from the sights of the gods, spirits and witches.
Since Begoro-Burger made that stomach burning statement he was only invited by the thief-slappers who went on their knees to beg him to disclose how he was going to carry this feat that has never been carried out in Ogyakrom. Burger refused to talk for he had the right to remain silent. In fact they gave him some four o’clock tea, he refused to drink then they remembered he was an Umbrella person and these people can drink a whole calabash of ogyateshie distilled in Teshie at, at least 70% alcoholic level and yet will walk pepepe going about their business as if it was cow milk or ordinary water they drank.
Senior, very eager to get information from Begoro-Burger, the thief slappers got the best ogyateshie distillers from Bubuashie, Kaneshie and Teshie to distil ogyateshie at 75% alcoholic level. That happened and they served Burger and still Burger refused to talk, he only wanted to go home and eat his wife konkonte and groundnut soup. So they left him, yes, Senior, they left him.
In fact, it is fair? For since then people have started disappearing into thin air. And even though someone prophesied this to happen, the thief slappers never could hold him responsible.
Senior, what pains me well, well is that so many daughters of Eve have gone missing in action since Begoro-Burger made that prophesy. And all we hear from the thief-slappers is like, they are found today, then sorry, they only want their parents and grandparents to have great hope that those words will come to pass.
Senior it has been like that, that if these ladies are to born, they will born pickins in the third cycle of borning.
Senior to date, the compass to locate the GPS location of these daughters of Eve cannot be located. But only two days ago we heard some Canada-waakye daughters of Eve were also caught in the net and kept out of sight hoping they will be out of mind. But this did not happen. Suddenly the thief-slappers realized what was at stake. The obroni whom they served and will eternally serve have been caught like a grasscutter in a trap.
Without much ado, wasting no time they went and dragged Begoro-Burger from bed and took him to their station. This time they never joked with him, in fact they told him in plain language that if he does not reveal to release these touch-light skin pickins they will wear one pioto with him and even die by never, saying never say die with him.
Senior, I am unreliably told that Begoro-Burger revealed where he had kept all the missing girls including the Canada-waakye ones. They then warned him not to reveal what he disclosed to any homo sapiens and he was freely given freedom to go free.
Before noon, our thief-slappers made good their duty to free people from traps. But what did we hear? Instead of getting everyone out they picked out only the touch-light skinned Canada-waakye girls and left our girls to continue to languish in the smelly and hairy armpits of the kidnappers.
Senior, tradition and culture seems to continue to reign supreme among the ranks and file of the thief-slappers who from their genesis they will only seek the interest of akwasi-broni and leave us to be on our own except if you are the brother of a certain daughter of Eve they want to or they go Suhum-Nsawam with.
Senior, we are now on our own. So this advice goes to your pickins and their pickins, their friends and sympathisers that henceforth be protected and well-armed. Whenever someone touches any of them and the face does not look like “how are you,” but more like “who are you” they should bite the nose and grab the family jewel between his legs and tear it off if they can. I know the thief-slappers will arrest them and keep them in house-under. That place is better than under the wet, hairy and smelling armpits of Begoro-Burger boys.
As for these thief slappers they should go on like that, we are making plans on them. They choose to release strange strangers but choose to put their own under covered baskets as if they are crabs taken to the market on market days.
Senior, they say a word to the wisdom is in the north, so I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
It is Me