Dear Senior Opupulepu, How do you do? As for me and my house, we are do fine, fine.
Senior, I was at Koftown on two Wednesdays gone past to take the painful responsibility of signing the book of condolence of our one-time master of sports who made sure I made good use of my good-for-nothing legs and jumped like frog running away from fire. Yes, our beloved Sir Dor is now the P.E. Instructor in the life hereafter, teaching sports to the children of the angels in Heaven. I am sure he will make them jog across the whole universe.
Senior, when I was going to Koftown, I chanced upon a certain fair and beautiful lady at a hamlet called Mefe also going to Koftown, and I lifted her to the hamlet. Senior, SHAME…S-H-A-EMU-E…SHAME, we just talked and I did not even ask for her contact and she also returned that gesture. So if you want to bribe me with cocoyam and cassava, so that I connect her to you, forget it. Moreover, she is about the age of your fifth grandchild. I am a Catholic, and Catholics are not like that, especially during Lent.
But Senior, this beautiful daughter of Eve reminded me of the Koforidua Flowers during our days gone by in school. Yes, the kind you only admired from afar. And today, as I was thinking about the Koforidua Flowers while reading something, I came across a confession from a certain big man from the Umbrella Concert Party (UCP), that, indeed, the Elephant Concert Party (ECP) Municipal Policemen have done the Pojoss thing some.
You remember the days when you seniors took over all the Ghanass girls during functions and left their boys chewing on. That brought some vigilantism between the two schools.
Senior, what is happening in the inside of many UCP women is that all the ECP men are very good looking, handsome, well dressed (never showing their boxers), well cultured, and, in fact, look more like angels, very gentle and humble. In fact, the UCP women are dying to just catch the eyes of any ECP man, and would give everything they have for the man to just say “Hi.” That is when the UCP women, who will come in groups of seventy each, will propose by reciting the first line of the fourth paragraph of the notes of Odifuo Izzah (not the disinfectant), which they will paraphrase like this as I quote: “We seventy Umbrella women will take hold of one Elephant man on this very day, today, today and say to him, ‘We will buy our own Hausa kooko plus koose and TZ from HajiaFati’s chop bar to eat; we shall go to Kantamanto and buy Obroniwawupioto, bodies, kamisia, slit and kaba, and also charle-wote slippers to wear. We shall buy our own alatasamina and key soap to wash ourselves clean, scrubbing our upstairs and downstairs in our lady’s chambers, and smear our coarse skins smooth with nkuto. All we want is for you to make lovie-lovie muah-muah to us, and then marry us and put your name on top of ours, so that our faces will not face, face-die. Aaooo…we beg you, well, well.’”
Senior, I hear that all the noise that the Umbrella men have been making has nothing to do with kola nuts in toothless mouths, but because of woman-drought, I mean female famine, or better still, mass exodus of their ladies who have migrated and are migrating from the East to the West.
At night the UCP men will put their some strait-jacket pioto, put on hard jeans trousers for pyjamas and force their eyes to sleep, or else if that thing play loose, they will encounter sweet dreams that would turn nightmares when they wake up only to find that, that beautiful woman they held tight and was kissie-kissie muah-muahing in their dreams was their pillow.
Meanwhile, on the other side, we have Elephant men sleeping comfortably on soft female human bodies, very alive and electrifying, and who have the ability to kick-start the thing, even when it is dead because of low battery.
The Elephant women are the most considerate and collaborative daughters of Eve in all of ewiasi combined, because I hear that they have devised a way of accommodating the migrants from the Umbrella family. They have decided that if it comes to the worst, they adopt the card colour code system, there will be those on Red Track, others on Blue Track, others on Brown, Black, Green, Grey, Orange, Mango, Banana, Cashew, Alaatsa and all the others.
Senior, the other day, in line with the implementation of the socio-politrickster theory of Boot-for-Boot, the Umbrella stool squatter, Sammy Begoro-Burger, assembled all hawks in the family and told them a secret, a secret that if made manifest will make Ogyakrom hot like the inside of the hot fire pot of Hajia Fati.
In details, the Umbrella men are planning using Knock-outs to blow humans and things, and to catch people and lock them up in private jails like how goats and sheep are caught and locked up in their pens. They also planned to reduce the population of the village by sending lots of people on early retirement to Ghostland, because, these days, people are not doing family planning and many are borning by-heart, and if care is not taken, there will not be enough trees for teachers to conduct schools under trees. This was so secretly kept until one beautiful Umbrella woman, who tried and tried to get an Elephant man to look her way, but was not succeeding, decided to acquire a VIP pass to jump the queue.
Senior, this woman felt something was going on in the men’s room, so she spied on one of them, smiled lovely at him and he became confused. No woman had smiled at him before, and the worst or the best, whichever way you look at it, was yet to come.
This woman planted a Judas type kiss some on the man’s lips, and he went dazed and started seeing stars. So, in dreamland when he was asked what the meeting was about, he vomited out the soft copy and added the hard copy as well.
Senior, you can imagine the earthquake that kukrudued in the Umbrella family when the Elephants replayed the video recordings of that secret meeting.
Their torn piotos have been exposed in public, and, at first, they denied it, then they claimed the video had seen a doctor before getting to the Elephants, and in that state it was not in a correct mood. But Onaapowuraa, in thanking Yahweh for giving him the mandate to lead the Umbrella people again, decided to speak the truth for the first time in his life. He spoke in the presence of Yahweh that the Begoro-Burger, indeed, said those words, and that the Umbrellas were going to use any available tactics for the boot-for-boot event on Ogyakrom lot casting day.
Meanwhile, the Delilah from the Umbrella Peoples Party has been awarded three giant Elephants and she is so content and satisfied with life that she is planning to announce her naturalisation into the Elephant family.
Senior, now the prescribed attire for all UCP secret meetings behind closed doors is birthday suit. And on top, one will be searched and scanned. It was not for nothing that they say, if a snake has bite you before, you will fear earthworm.
I am Dan, Sorry, I am Done.