Dear Snr. Opupulepu, Hmmmm…Hmmmm…! Please Senior, let me catch some breath small…Hmmmm! What! Ibe me be dis? Hmmmm! Senior, when you called me last night and complained seeing witches flying in the day and in the night, and blinking multi-coloured lights like Heartsiphobia colours, I asked you to chill because no witch fashioned against you shall prosper? Hmmmm! Senior, please do not call me in the night with such stories again, please, I beg, you ooh.
Senior, in fact, upon all my shiiishiii, huuuhuuu, ayisem, paahpaah, I got the scare of my life. After we spoke on this issue for over two hours and I calmed your nerves down, I decided to go and check my window because I thought I heard some buzzing sound which I mistook for an over-grown mosquito.
Suddenly, and behold, I saw this thing with blue and yellow lights blinking at me, and flew as if it was dancing azonto in the air. I woke up finding myself under the bed with cockroaches playing hide and seek in my armpits. Yes, I saw a witch fiiiliifiilii, and maybe held on from collapsing before I took cover under my bed.
Oooops, sorry, Senior, how are you do? I hope you are do fine. As at now, I think I am also do fine. I have gone for anointing from the Roman Osofo down the lane. If any witch thinks she is she, she can now come.
Senior, you complained that you were on the farm yesterday afternoon when you saw a witch flying in some modern aircraft, sorry witchcraft. You said the witchcraft had four legs and was carrying a small red school bag under its carriage. You thought the bag could belong to a nursery school boy who the witches had for brunch.
Senior, you claimed you took flight and landed in your house in the village before you even realised you got there. You decided to call off farming for some time, after all, awards for best farmers have been awarded already, so why should you sweat for nothing and meet life-threatening things and events?
Then, in the night you encountered two of such witches flying about without obeying air traffic regulations. That was when you called me while you had holed yourself up in your wardrobe, after praying all four mysteries of the Holy Rosary in less than thirty minutes.
Senior, this morning, after reluctantly dragging myself from the safety of under my bed, I went to bath and washed my face with all my eyes wide open. Do not ask me how or why, for under such circumstances, one cannot afford to take chances.
I first went straight to the pastor of a nearby bible-believing, born-again, died again, resurrected again church and he dived straight under his altar when he heard me calling. Senior, he too had encountered one of these witches in modern aircraft, sorry witchcraft. When I told him my mission, he told me that these days such demonic spirits do not fear the cross, and the more he waved the cross at that evil spirit, the more the craft flew straight at him. He claimed that these latter-day demonic forces do not fear the cross, for they also believe that Yesu Christus is the Son of Yahweh and bend down at the mention of His Name.
He told me if I was only coming for protection against witches and not donating to his church fund, then the door was still open and the way was my front.
Feeling very disappointed, I had to trek to the Roman Church. As at now, I am with Father, and after I swore to him that a witch attempted to enter into my room last night, he prayed over me and bathed me in holy water and asked me to say some prayers in the chapel. After reciting the Lord’s Prayer one hundred times and the Lord is My Shepherd four hundred times, I believe I have been anointed, so I started writing you this letter. I promise to get you a Kufuor gallon of holy water.
Senior, wait! There is another witch flying by, let me go and call Father… Ohhhh Senior, what we have been encountering is not any witch or witchcraft. When I run to Father’s office and pointed to what I thought was a witchcraft, he had a good laugh. He then asked me to sit down and brought out a brochure of such crafts. Hmmmmm…Ahhhh, Senior, so you mean that with all the physics and engineering you learnt, you could not make out a drone…aabbaa. And you made me sleep under my bed.
According to Father, what you and I saw was an unmanned craft which was engineered to travel from one spot to another without encountering traffic jams, pot holes and meandering about till it reaches its destination. Their primary use is to carry medicines (not juju) and medical supplies like APC, codeine, misaaba, bentua, herbs and the like from a medical facility to places where people are sick and need treatment. In fact they also transport drips and blood, as well not forgetting injections and all the rest of the et cetera, et cetera and et cetera.
The one you saw on the farm was going to deliver blood to someone who was low on blood, as vehicles are sometimes low on fuel.
This idea of unmanned aircraft came from no other person than the Great Leopard himself, Odinihuni Nana Owuobiayeowu. But I have a problem with Nana, and it is this. The Ogyakrom Association of Witches has just issued a memo to all Ogyakromians, reminding us that only witches have the spiritual mandated right, the constitutional mandate, the inherited mandate, the ancestral mandate, and the patented mandate to fly about, apart from birds, bats, mosquitoes, house flies, town flies, city flies, village flies, bush flies and other insects with wings.
The only thing, besides the list above, which they will allow to fly are the iron birds, which, in fact, fly way above their jurisdiction. They fly close to Yahweh’s compound, and since witches and wizards are not Yahweh’s buddy buddy, and would not want to get close to His territory, they just allow the iron birds to do their own thing, hoping that the day will soon come, when…
So with the Great Leopard, Odinihuni, our village chief violating that part of the constitution, what do you think will happen now? Here again, the witches love human blood, and these unmanned crafts carry human blood, Senior, what do you think will happen? Is it not possible that if such craft flying with fresh human blood fly through the witches’ territorial air space they will not exchange the good blood for an expired one? I sometimes do not understand this, our chief, but this is between you and me. If he hears this, you are on your own.
Senior, Nana Odinihuni was born, bred and buttered in the region overpopulated with bats that most of them after accompanying a clan head from his hamlet to the Kpanlogo Dancers’ hamlet, decided to overstay their visit.
Senior, why can’t the Great Odinihuni employ the services of these bats for such medical delivery services? In fact, even though the Roman Father has convinced me that these drones are without spirit and soul, I still wonder what would happen if one enters my room and has a witch as a passenger. Hmmmm, like I will relocate to your village. Why should Nana throw such a challenge to the witches?
I believe I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
It is Me.