Dear Snr. Opupulepu, Hmmmm, I am sure by the love and mercy of Yahweh, you are do fine. I am very do fine. Senior, hmmmmm!… the things that are coming out of the after-after of the Umbrella Concert Party’s lot casting is huuhuudious to say the smallest.
Senior, you know I am a descendant in line of the Prophet Daniel who slept with lions. And I sometimes have powers to prophesy things before they even get to be prophesied. Unfortunately, my prophesy powers do not extent to forecasting lotto numbers. Any numbers I pick always avoid being among the winning numbers. When I have the numbers and I do not stake, they come; when I stake, they don’t come. That is my fate with prophesying lotto numbers.
Remember in my last letter to you I suggested the need to declare null and void the whole lot casting rituals of the Umbrella Concert Party. And, indeed, as they say, the word indeed is the word indeed.
There is a certain Agya Adu, a died-in-the-wool Umbrella person, one who uses umbrella in rain and in shine, sleeps and baths with umbrella, in fact, when he smiles, his face looks like an open umbrella.
This Agya Adu took the decision to decide to contest for the position of aplanke to Gen-Sec, which is currently, as always, occupied by the Mosquito General Asi-Adu Ke Nkatie. This revolutionary and stone-cast Pan Africanist had warned his father, even when he was a day-old, never to bestow on him any abrofuo name.
When he entered the shrine, he found his face alright, but above a certain strange name. In fact, the born-again, die-again, resurrected again believers had contacted some pastor and baptised Agya-Adu by water and by the Spirit, through proxy baptism in absentia, and bestowed upon an abrofuo name. And like Saul became Paul, so did his surname also change.
Agya-Adu became Justice Yeboah, former documents very invalid; in fact, he went, he saw and was shocked. He, of course, went on protestation and demonstration to claim his sacred identity back. He campaigned the length and bread, sorry, breadth of this village with the name Agya-Adu, and made that name define his face. Here he was, his face facing a different name.
Senior, there was another problem. Those who plotted Agya-Adu’s downfall plotted it well, well. For they picked a taboo-infested name that all Umbrella people abhor, loath and fear to associate with; the name was Justice, and the Umbrella people remember how a certain Justice unjustifiably removed their cherished Shallot (Keta Onions) from the lot-casting stool.
And it was Justice that threw Akoo Ti Brofo Son of Gun and others into jail for simply proposing the rather harmless way of raping female judges. You only have to inform the female judge of your letter of intention before the event occurs.
So it was very natural that many were those who decided not to vote for Justice Yeboah, even though his face looked like Agya-Adu. No one trusts Justice in the Umbrella family. So, therefore, Agya-Adu, who was the leading contestant for the aplanke Gen-Sec, fell from Adom to dry grass.
Strangely, he has decided to make friends with the enemy to right the wrongs done to him. Agya-Adu is seeking the help of Justice to declare the whole lot-casting null and void. The Whiteman, they say, will speak Twi when in trouble.
You also know that cat-eater, Koku the Bull, who attempted to stage a palace coup against the Mosquito-General, but failed. He was reminded straight in the face by a certain Adjei Coka that there is an adage that says that the fact that you are longer than your father’s height does not mean you are any more ancient than him. Senior, do you hear of a certain man who claimed that the marathon-long lot-casting process by the Umbrella people was due to the happenings that the Great Leopard, Nana Odinihuni, has made to happen in Ogyakrom, lately.
This clearly exhibits the mind-set, the brainwork, the outward and inward looking of these Umbrella people. They would blame anything, but themselves, for their own self-inflicted short comings. If they grow rotten teeth due to irresponsible dental hygiene, they will blame the dentists for not forcing then to scrub their teeth and wash their mouths daily.
They are claiming that it was because of Free Senior High School (SHS), One District, One Factory, and creation of more quarters in the village that they could not simply cast lots in good time. It took one full day, minus eight hours, for a little over 9,000 of their principal adult jokers to decide who leads them in opposition in perpetuity, in an exercise which would have taken the same number of day-nursery pupils to do and do perfectly well with such orderliness and harmony within half an hour.
Talk about the long duration of lot-casting by these Umbrella people, and I believe there was a great reason for that. Some people swore that the whole shrine was filled with the fumes of ogyateshie, that strong and powerful alcoholic liquor that could knock off an elephant with only one tablespoon.
Some swore that the liquor was distilled there in the shrine, while others swore it was because of the numerous libations poured out to the gods in there. Others claimed that barrels of ogyateshie were transported through Teshie, to evade tax, into the shrine for all to drink and be merry.
So, when the highly drunk jokers were going to cast lots, they would walk three steps forward, thirty steps backwards, go round in circles, and walk North, South, East and West in squares until they locate the ballot. And this takes a lot of time.
Senior, Togbe Xornametor was there, alive and kicking, and, for the first time, he spoke words of wisdom. One could not say his status at the shrine, whether he was an emissary of Nana Odinihuni, or representing himself as the foundation stone of the Umbrella Concert Party. I want to suggest that Togbe’s association with Odinihuni had put some shine in him. For the first time, he talked like King Solomon. (Please do not let him know I said this about him or he will boom at me.)
Senior Opupulepu, people have an indirect way of insulting their elders. Some of these Umbrella people flocked round Miss Xornametor, a Municipal Police of the Castle branch and first daughter of Togbe Xornametor, and expressed love to her mother, the Foundress of the Umbrella Concert Party. They claimed they want her because her long absence has made them like orphans.
Can you imagine, after they saw her off with only 3.1% of total lots cast in her bid to hold the Umbrella flag and lead them to victory in the village lot-casting?
The 3.1%, Senior, was well calculated, because Mrs Xornametor had founded, created and brought to birth a group of wild women called 31 Women. So, to them, anything 31 is for her, but instead of giving her 31% they chose 3.1% to humiliate her. Now they are crying, for who? Tweaaaa! In fact, I said Tweaaa!
Senior, I am now Dan on this matter; sorry I am Done.