Dear Senior Opupulepu, I hope you are do fine. I too I am do fine. Senior, have you heard the news? Abrantie Djanie Infant I-Know, the boss man over all gutter-to-gutter associations, has put a waist-band around the waist of Alhaji One-Touche and sentenced him to over one thousand two hundred moons from playing gutter-to-gutter, reading about gutter-to-gutter and listening to anything about gutter-to-gutter. In fact, he is to see no gutter-to-gutter, hear no gutter-to-gutter, and speak no gutter-to-gutter. He is not to go anywhere there is something round, even near a ball of kenkey, just in case. He is now even restricted from eating anything that is round like a ball, meaning he has to stop buying Daavi Ama’s banku and concentrate on Hajia Fati’s Tuo Zaafi (TZ) for the rest of his life. This sentence will be served as balance brought forward whenever One-Touche decides to reincarnate back after visiting the land of the life hereafter.
Since he should not touch anything ball, he is also not to touch the balls Yahweh gave him, can you imagine? So whenever he is bathing and it is scrubbing time for his balls, Hajia Maria, and Hajia Maria alone, must be called to service. If he dares call or appoint any of her house maidens, they might end up taking over other private services.
On top of this uncomfortable waist-band, Alhaji One-Touche is to pay an amount of over twenty-five billion cowries to Abrantie Djanie Infant I-Know and his crews to be chopping small, small, and remember that there was once an Alhaji One-Touche they tricked and fooled into paying for their living expenses.
Yes, Senior, you heard right. Twenty-five billion cowries for the Long-Noses to chop free, and you think the Great Leopard will agree to this rubbish? I also do not think Ken (not the Rogers) Ofli-Djaata will ever allow such Ogyakromian property to leave the shores at the time cowries are hard to come by.
Whatever is the problem? Senior, it is all about that unnecessary konkonsa that Alhaji Tiger-Nuts did about Alhaji One-Touche. He portrayed his fellow Alhaji in a home cini as a crook who could even put the whole Great Leopard in his smelling jute sack, when, in actual fact, he was the one who faked that business deal.
This is what Akwasi Broni said he has not seen some before, and quickly the boss and his crews of the gutter-to-gutter associations took the opportunity to place a waist-band on Alhaji One-Touch’s waist. But, Senior, they say, fair is foul and foul is fair, but for Infant I-Know to take this decision, shows that he, himself, is worse than Alhaji One-Touche in kobi-kobi affairs.
When his predecessor, Seth Plaster, was boss over all gutter-to-gutter associations, he was caught with his pioto down, very deep down, not in kobi-kobi affairs, but momoni affairs. He had transferred, without transfer letters, billions and billions of cowries of the gutter-to-gutter associations’ money into his bosom friend, Michelle Platinum’s, passbook account. They both were waist-banded for only hundred moons. And here, Alhaji One-Touche was only transacting business that has nothing to do with gutter-to-gutter, and, yet, and still, they presumed he was shaming the gutter-to-gutter associations’ affairs, and, as for him, one hundred and twenty-thousand moons waist-band plus twenty-five billion cowries, how?
I hear that all over the village people are enraged, angry, exasperated, indignant, choleric, exacerbated, splenetic, piqued, irascible and very united in the show, exhibition and declaration of displeasure in the treatment meted down upon our one and only Alhaji One-Touche.
“After all, did One-Touche commit any act of treason on Infant I-Know’s family land?” “Was it gutter-to-gutter’s money he was receiving from those awam and fake businessmen?” “Why, or is One-Touche going after the same fula seller Infant I-Know is chasing?” “Are daughters of Eve falling for Alhaji One-Touche and not looking towards Infant I-Know’s GPS location?” “We all know One-Touche is handsome, and ladies always easily trip over and fall for him, but is that his making or his fault?” “Djanie Infant I-Know knows he is not fine, his sakora head is like the back of a crooked palm wine calabash, and his narrow face is like his something, but what has One-Touche got to do in this?”
Senior, this, and many other insults, like some saying that Infant I-Know is not fit to be used to wipe off the something from the somewhere, and all other un-writable words I do not want to repeat here, are what you will hear in town.
As the luxuriating of rage of fury among sons of Adam and daughters of Eve reached few notches above the red danger mark, we hear that Alhaji Mad-Lake Kweku One, the boss, trainer and mentor of Alhaji Tiger-Nuts, also came out, either by pretence or in real-real or both, seriously forcing and imitating anger into his system and saying One-Touche should not pay foko.
Senior, you remember it was Alhaji Tiger-Nuts who assembled fake, awam, toy-toy businessmen to trick One-Touche into believing he is transacting fine, fine business, and out of excitement, with some sweetie thing things dangling around his eyebrows, he said things he should not have said what he did. When Tiger-Nuts made cini out of it, was it not Kweku One who led a caravan with Tiger-Nuts behind him to the afiakesiem, the palace of the Great Leopard called the Jubilation-Celebration House, and showed the Great Leopard what One-Touche was composing in darkness? Was he not him who insisted that his progeny had all the human rights to expose what One-Touche does in darkness and in light, in sickness and in health, in richness and in poorness, for better or for west, vowing to pull him down from that sickly camel he rides on, until his death will Tiger-Nuts stop? After achieving their achievement, now Mad Lake Kweku One is saying what?
Senior, as for me, I reserve and reverse my comments on this Kweku One’s matter. But, guess what, One-Touche is not taking this lying low. After authorising his lawyers to take Djanie Infant I-Know to the Supreme Court for turning his name into a foot rug, I overhead him on a speaker phone speaking to someone. And since it is on speaker, it most likely might be a long marathon distance call; you know how the networks behave these days.
What I heard was Alhaji One-Touche saying, “Manishma”, and a hard and rough voice of a woman responded “Akol Be Ser Der.” Senior, it was Hebrew, meaning “How are you?” and “All is well,” meaning Alhaji One-Touche might be talking to that great, great granddaughter thirty-six thousand times removed of that witch who attended to King Saul. That medium at Endor in the Jezreel Valley in Canan worked something for Alhaji One-Touche some time ago on this matter. I could not listen to the conversation to the end, because Madam shouted that my boiled cassava and green sauce, spiced with dried fish and koobi, was going cold, so, since food first, I left for home. Is Alhaji One-Touche going to demand his money back, or is he going to tighten up things? We live to see, and we see to live.
As for me, I am Dan, sorry I am Done!
It is Me.