Dear Senior Opupulepu, I hope this script from me will meet you in good health, and that after reading it, you will still do fine. As for me, I am not sure whether I am do fine or I am not do fine.
Senior, there are fires on the mountains of Ogyakrom. Hmmmm! you must know Apostle Agya Koo (not the comedian). I mean, Bankye Cherry-Martins Agya Koo, the man with bullet-friendly skin? The man who was shot point-blank with a hundred pieces of bullets, but was able to walked unhurt to live and tell his story. That was when Captain Chaos was in hot pursuit of that incorrigible javelin-copra, Amidu Gyewai, of the bow and arrow professionals, when that unlettered soja decided he too must squat on the throne small. On that crazy day in the seventh moon of the year, every crazy soja despatched bullets haphazardly to no fixed addresses, but to whom it may concern, and one hundred, I think, lost their way and alighted on Bankye Agya Koo’s bushy chest.
You see, Uncle Bankye was being too-known, too four o’clock tea, too abrofosem, and too I know my rights, for in the heat of the commotion and confusion, he chose to teach the people, not the citizens, about their economic rights, when the bullets located him.
Uncle Bankye stood firm and took them all in so calmly, as if he was taking in Hajia Fati’s Hausa kooko and koose, that all the other bullets caught fear and scattered for cover.
Now, to cut a long story short, this Uncle Bankye went to Amelika, where he became a senior susu collector. He then proceeded to Ogyakrom, hoping to take over from Nana Agyei-Kumi Kungfu, but because the ballot papers perceived him an occultist, not many decided to go to him. You see, an absolute majority of the ballot papers were born again believers, and would have nothing to do with people who have passed somewhere before to collect the magic of swallowing live bullets and still be walking the earth.
Uncle Bankye Agya Koo became great paddys with Nana Owuobiayeowuo when the Great Leopard was an Asafoatse in the Elephants Concert Party. He followed Nana through thick and thin, and accompanied him to lose the lot casting in 2008 and 2012, and helped him to finally win in 2016.
What are paddys for? So the Great Leopard made Bankye Agya Koo the Apostle in charge of all gawuu-gawuu pumps, osonos and touch-lights, a position which a certain Municipal Police, K. T. Hammer (a marathon distant relative of K.C. Hammer), had spied all his life.
Senior, you know that before you become an apostle, you are called by the Omanhene to become a catcher of human Keta schoolboys, and the Assembly of Municipal Police will perform inward-looking rituals on you to see if your inside is good and ready to work.
It was during one of these rituals that a nominated apostle from the Umbrella Concert Party couldn’t tell his week day of birth from the day he first entered school under trees.
Senior, it was during the performance of the inside looking rituals of Apostle Bankye Agya Koo (not the comedian) that the members of this same Umbrella Concert Party woke up from a dream that Agya Koo (not the comedian) had sprayed them with cowries. Determined to make this dream come true by fire, by force, they went to Bankye Agya Koo to force him to give to them in the physical realm, what he gave them in the spiritual.
Hmmmmm… Senior, all was going fine with Apostle Bankye Agya Koo (again not the comedian), as he pushed the failure of power to perform duty, and the inability to use osono and touch-lights into the past. It is only the gawuu-gawuu operators who, in sympathy with their nomadic kinsmen who live and sleep with cattle in the bush, decided to make all Ogyakromians contribute through their services to get cowries to send to their brothers to continue living and walking with cattle in the bush.
Senior, we slept and woke up only to hear that the recent endemic and chronic anger of Omanhene the Great Leopard, which we thought had been cured, had relapsed again. And in his fits and bouts of anger, he decreed and made constitutional the orders to have Apostle Bankye Agya Koo demoted to the rank of usherette. It was so shocking that people were fleeing for their lives, because if someone can tame wild and fiery hot bullets, what else can’t he do? He can hold a tiger, sorry a lion, no a leopard, by the tail, and that can court disaster. It seemed to people that this was what Bankye Agya Koo might do, hence, everyone, including my very yours truly self, is running for cover.
Senior, pay attention to me, anything and everything you heard from the konkonsa papers about what transpired before Agya Koo (and again not the comedian) was defrocked are all false, tooli, lie-lie and skin pain statements.
Again, pay attention carefully, but whatever you read here, was not stated by me. This is the true account of what happened in the palace. And, please, burn this letter after you read it, it is compulsory by force for you to do so, for if anything leaks out to the outside world, you are on your own. Have I made myself clear to you? Yoooo…hmmmm…Okay!
It went like this, Apostle, sorry ex-Apostle Bankye Agya Koo went to the Kingdom of the Muslims to acquire powers for all Ogyakromians. There he spied on some Muslim women, fair, sweet and juicy looking, like those in the days of the Arabian nights.
He desired for some of these, and as he examined, he found them to be good, and so, like Eve did to Adam, he had wanted to do same to the Great Leopard.
You see, in the land of the Muslims you just don’t go doing sweetie-sweetie muaah-muaah to single women like that. You must first do them something called Amelia. Now, having satisfied his side of the bargain and gained for himself a harem full of ten thousand virgins, Apostle Agya Koo confidently signed on hundreds of thousands more for his heart-inside toffee, the Great Leopard, Nana Owuobiayeowuo in an Amelia Deal.
When the Great Leopard heard this, he roared in anger like a hungry and angry lion, and screamed, “For the where? Anukwale po!” You see, three major factors made the Omanhene angry.
1). Obaahema Becca has done him no wrong in all aspects of life. In fact, her cooking has gone from deliciously wonderful to super superb ever since they entered the palace. And as for her looks, the Obaahema has grown more youthful and more beautiful, and so she has no challenger, known and unknown. She is, in fact, the highest standard of measurement of beauty in the land.
2). Omanhene the Great Leopard, has put into consideration his advancement in age and stature, and decided to say No to any other fair sex, apart from Obaahema Becca, since he wants to meet his Maker, the Living Yahweh, in a very pure and holy spirit and soul, and
3). Omanhene the Great Leopard is slated for Chief Catechist in his church after he descends from the throne. Holders of such high positions are mandated by fire by force to look upon any man or woman who is not their spouse, as a brother, son, sister or daughter. He cannot come on board with such baggage, since the Living Yahweh will never be understanding.
Senior, Omanhene the Great Leopard was very livid when he perceived his break egg and lick buddy-buddy, ex-apostle Bankye Agya Koo (once more not the comedian), as a double agent and traitor. How can he pour sand in his gari soakings? So, in anger and in pain, the Great Leopard recalled what his grandfather once told him: “If an insect will bite you, it will wear the same fabric you are wearing,” and he proposed, approved, implemented, decreed and signed the go and seen-here-no-more letter to ex-Apostle Bankye Cherry-Martins Agya-Koo (not the comedian), that, from henceforth to forward to go, he should never hold himself as an apostle until such a time that the Great Leopard will reconsider, or another more friendly Omanhene, will call him to evangelise economic freedom to the masses, people and citizenery.
Senior, now all the apostles are in fear of fear itself. For, if the Great Leopard can do this to his one and only Simon Peter, then what can he not do to any of them? Those who are sweeping their rooms are doing so, and those who bath once a week are bathing twice a day, for everyone wants to be clean in the presence of the Great Odenihuni.
But, once again, you never heard anything from me, when asked. I do not even remember you, for what can’t the Great Leopard do to me, after what he has done to his buddy-buddy. Remember I am still buying top-up credit for my fone.
Senior, I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
It is Me.