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The Thief Slapper Freddy de Bull de La Scalla

botchway July 27, 2018

Letter to Snr. Opupulepu (17)



Dear Snr. Opupulepu,

How do you do? As for me and my household we are do, fine.

Senior, hmmmm….Ogyakrom is on fire! For another thief slapper is on the loose again. After his colleagues had mistaken some Muslims youth for ghosts because of the long white gowns they wore and quickly despatched them to the life hereafter before curfew caught them, another descended on a daughter of Eve and did dress rehearsal in slapping on the poor woman’s face. What happened, Senior? Ask and ask again.

Apparently this thief slapper, Freddy de Bull de la Scalla was going to a bush nearby with brothers to chew grass when the foreman of a certain susu-kiosk called Middle Ground Susu and Business Enterprise International called upon his services to drive away a certain daughter of Eve from their premises.

Freddy, not the Blay, will soon go for promotion practical exams and surely how-to-slap-effectively would by all means drop, so he accepted the invitation to slap and slap recklessly and arrived at the premises fully prepared for action.

Then he beheld a daughter of Eve in red and since the eyes of bulls and the eyes of the colour red do not meet, he charged at her slapping her by heart, by heart.

Senior it was so pathetic but one would ask how come such a lady came to cross a bull’s path? They say that the Middle Ground Susu and Business Enterprise International went far and wide from their kiosk begging for coins from waapi, agatha, chin-gun, nketi-cake and atadwe sellers. Also on their list included those who sell fruits like pineapple, banana, watermelon, mango, tangerine, orange, blue, green, and the rest. These coins they would send to labour camps and on their return they would come back like double-double.

This idea made a certain Sister Abotare Osafo not the daughter of Opanin Osafo Marfo, to think four times and she took a decision to send all her coins into that labour camp. After all they were doing nothing useful in her jute sack.

Now Sister had waited for many market days for the return of her coins but saw no sign of their coming, so she decided to go to check from the susu kiosk. She went politely to announce to the foreman that she was owing Hajia Fati for koose she had credited and the woman was growing wild. Since no one messes with Hajia she needed her coins to go peace mission. She was told “go to come tomorrow.”

This went on like that for two market days until one Holy Thursday, our Sister Abotare decided not to put her name into practice any longer and grew wild.

“Today or never” she swore and cursed. The kiosk people told her that her coins were still not back and no other coins could replace hers, because it was like if you go to pick your children home after school and cannot find them, you cannot pick any other person’s children in replacement. The Omanhene’s motto of all-die-be-die, does not mean all-coins-be-coins, they emphasized.

Sister Abotare would not accept that nonsense since children have names but coins do not, yet the susu collectors would also not be moved.

Senior, it came to pass that when the sun was deciding to go to sleep, the susu collectors ordered Sister Abotare to go home to come tomorrow.

“Again! For the where?” she screamed and decided to lie down on a mat nearby and sleep. It was then that the foreman, called Freddy de Bull de la Scala to come and exodus Sister Abotare from the kiosk.

Like I said earlier, the eyes of bulls and the eyes of the colour red do not meet and Sister Abotare was in a red caminsia, and there and then Freddy dug in his hoofs and charged upon the lady who was with a two and a half moon old baby.

Everybody dived for cover because Freddy was in his elements raining heavy slaps upon the smooth faces of woman and child. He only stopped when he was out of breathe and satisfied that he would pass his promotion practical exams at work if the art of slapping ever drop among the questions.

All of Ogyakromians’ hearts grew weedy as the news spread throughout the village. The Chief Thief Slapper Asante the Son of Jesse got a bit confused about the terms of reference of thief slapping. He went through his college notes, text books and official files to find out whether what Freddy de Bull did was correct. He found nothing and so immediately ordered for the identification and collection of de Bull and to be temporarily placed in a secure kraal. There was the need to check his blood inside to find out whether he chewed some forbidden grass.

Senior, as usual our Omanhene who has more I-care-for-you characteristics than the immediate past omanhene, was heard. Nana Owubiayeowu pledged the support of all the ancestors and gods of the land for the Chief Thief Slapper, Asante the Son of Jesse. He was blessed to live to be a thousand, his wives to be plenty like mangoes in season and his children as many as mosquitoes during the rains. As for de Bull, Obaapanin Sulphur Kung-fu will decide his life for him.

Senior, it is not for nothing that the ancestors said every loss of fortune is a reward covered in Anas’ mask. For within minutes when the news broke about this bull attacking a human woman, gifts of cowries and kind started to flow the direction of Sister Abotare. She who used to sleep in room under trees has now been given a kiosk for residence. Food of all kinds, family and strangers like konkonte and sushi all landed in her new apartment. She now has lots of shoes and obroni wawus and she is no more in charle wote but learning how to walk in high heels.

As for money, it was like she is a chief susu collector herself. And people are now queuing at her hut to get some advance to pay off people like Hajia Fati.

Talking about susu, Senior, do you know that after her slaps her coins suddenly appeared? They were all along chopping papaya and enjoying air-con in the susu foreman office room inside. They were handed over to Sister Abotare peacefully.

On Sunday at Church, her pastor who never ever knew of her, specially invited her to sit in the sanctuary and he preached for hours on the virtue of Patience.

The world has turned from grass to grace for Sister Abotare and she is now a star guest of the konkonsa and toli groups of companies where reporters and journalists do walatu walasa. And as usual they are asking funny, stupid and irrelevant questions about her age, her marital status, whether she is attached or available. If I say some journalists are something like the one I know, they say….

Freddy de Bull de la Scala, heard of all these and pondered them in his heart. He intended requesting something small from Sister Abotare, since it was through his sole efforts that she got to these life transforming dizzy heights. So he sent a text message to the lady to remember those who helped her in life and do them good in return. Unfortunately Sister Abotare cannot read, not even lotto numbers.

Senior, as for me I am out looking for a thief slapper to beat me up, so that I have someone record it and then I too will be person, for these days it is only trouble that can set you free.

Bye for now, for I am Dan, sorry, I am Done.

It is Me.

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