Dear Senior Opupulepu,
How do you do? As for me and my family we are all do fine. Senior, some people do not know how to get their bodies out of trouble, when guilty as charged. I have a cousin, nicknamed “On The Spot” or OTS for short.
He lectured us on how to deny, but not lie, in every life-threatening situation.
Lesson 1. Whenever you know beyond reasonable doubt that you are guilty as charged, do not plan or rehearse any denial tactics in words or deeds before you are confronted with the obvious questions.
Lesson 2. Always remain calm and wait upon your guardian angel and you will come out with an on the spot lie only when confronted.
Lesson 3. Remember never to change your answers right through to the end of time.
Lesson 4. When found out, just remain silent, for, remember, anything you say will be taken as evidence against you.
The other day, his dear old dad bought a carton of mini beer for Christmas and hid it under the bed waiting for the 24th before putting them to chill for the main event. On Christmas Eve, he went under the bed to find twenty-four empty bottles. He screamed as if being eaten up by a wild animal, and auntie rushed to her for-better-for-worse, only to find out the horror story. All the boys were lined up and asked the same question: “Were you the one who drunk my beer?”
Everyone responded with a simple emphatic ‘No!’ until it got to OTS. His answer was cool, he spoke and responded: “If you had not called us here to show us these empty bottles, I never would have known there was beer in the house!” Auntie screamed Jesus’ Holy Name and Uncle was stunted and out of words.
OTS had washed down his throat all the twenty-four bottles of beer, and everyone knew it. However, with his alibi, it would be futile to prove he was the culprit.
Senior, OTS taught us that if you think you heard your name and you know you are guilty of some crime, pretend you do not own that name. You could get into serious problems. Wait until directly confronted, then apply the on-the-spot theory.
Now, here is my story about some happenings in Ogyakrom. Some people wrote the working biography of a certain Keta Onions aka Ama Shallot, daughter of a certain Mrs Kesson, and posted it to the Omanhene without sender’s address.
Ama Shallot was no ordinary woman, because she was in charge of the Lots Casting Committee. In the letter, the konkonsa people said appearance could, indeed, be very deceptive, because even though Ama Shallot looks soft, like both dadaba and mamaba combined, she was as hard and difficult to cope with as an egyaba who feels cheated. She may look beautiful, but her heart and soul are as ugly as a baboon’s face and behind combined.
There and then, Sister Keta Onions raised her voice in high pitch as if she was singing lead vocals in her church choir, and bellowed that first, she knew not the signatories of the petition, and, secondly, she had not been given her share of the petition letter. No one had asked her any questions.
She violated Bro OTS’ code of conduct by talking before being directly addressed. Sister Ama Shallots went and picked a piece of charcoal and stood in front of the white wall of the public washroom in the village square, and responded to all the petitions when no one asked her, and even went on to add some konkonsa to cover ninety thesis, just as Martin Luther did.
She was writing about one of her linesmen, Abaawa Georgia the Servant of Aman, when the school teacher on duty gave the tune for the song to close assembly: “Ready Go…One Man Went To Mow, Went To Mow Amidu…”
Senior, no one mentioned Amadu, but because of guilty conscience, Sulley Not the Muntari, screamed his innocence and accused Sister Shallot plenty, plenty. It then became musical chairs of who did what. Some of the school children going home joined the chorus: “Who thiefed the kaaklo from the kaaklo pot? …Ama Shallot thiefed the kaaklo from the kaaklo pot! …Who Me? …Yes You! It Couldn’t Be Me… And so as one was mentioned, he/she would pass the buck to the other.
Senior, like joke, like joke, the whole village square was turned into a political debate, as the trio started revealing publicly what crimes each one and the other committed freely with such impudence in the Lots Casting office. Every sin was committed, and every law in that office was broken. With all these going on, people started wondering why Alhaji Tiger Nut did not visit that office, but wasted time on Alhaji One-Touches.
When the news of such gross malpractices got to the ears of the already angry Great Leopard, Onsurowuo Nana Odenihuni Owuobiayeowuo I, he ordered Obaapanin Sulphur Kung-Fu, the chief of all the sages of the land to look in the inside of all the allegations, and begged her to please return a not guilty verdict.
The Obaapanin assembled some fetish priests, soothsayers and mind readers together, and after pouring libation to invoke the gods, they chanted for divine discernment to unravel the truth or otherwise of what Sister Keta Onions, aka Ama Shallot, and her linesmen were saying about each other.
They looked at the stars, they looked into crystal balls, they read what the cowries had to tell them, and even sent some priests into the land of the spirits, but the answer always remained the same: Over Guilty As Charged. The report was ready with a recommendation: All the entire leadership of the Lots Casting office were to go and seen near that office no more.
When the Great Leopard got the report, he immediately got into rage again, and allowed the recommendations to be implemented without fail, and the trio never to even caste lots again. They were reduced to permanent under-aged status, so no more lot casting, no more chacha, no more lotto for any of them, no more apio, and no more doing things with the opposite sex. Ama Shallot herself was under-aged, because she did not cast her lot the other day. Her claim of neutrality was found to be a lie when her weighing card was opened and the truth of her age came out.
The Umbrella Concert Party people decided to do march-pass in protest.
Ogyakromians became confused about the mentality of the umbrella people, who always cried the loudest about perceived thievery in the land, and called upon the Omanhene to wake up and resolve the problem by dismissing any one guilty of even the least perception of corruption. The Brollies had hailed Tiger Nut’s exposé on One-Touches, but when it was Ama Shallot’s turn, they planned to revolt. People could not think far, until news came round that the Umbrella Concert Party had invested billions and billions of cowries into Ama Shallot, with the hope that come next lots casting day, she would do the magic she could not do before and return Onaapo-wura Nana Odeneho Ontieh-Obia I back on the throne.
Senior Opupulepu, as it is now, with no leader among the lot casters, there will be no longer sure bankers in lottery. I hope you have stopped staking lotto.
Senior, I am Dan, sorry I am Done.