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Letter to Snr Opupulepu (14) Thunder from the Palace and the Clocking of the Gateman

botchway June 29, 2018


My Dear Senior, how do you do? As for and my family we are do…hmmmmm!

Senior, it seems that ever since that konkonsa Alhaji Tiger-Nut went to show that movie about Alhaji One-Touches to the Omanhene Nana Odenehuni Owuobiayeowuo, where the ex-former foreman of the Gutter-to-Gutter Association swore by the beard of Moses the Original and not the Naija gutter-to-gutter professional, that Nana, can always be found in his jute sack, smile that they call smile has gone on vacation far away from the Great Leopard’s face.

Please, I am not the one telling you this, uhhhh. If this information leaks out, then know the direction you will point to. They say, and I am not the one saying it, they say the Great Leopard has been possessed by one of his family ancestral spirits called Alhaji Kung-fu. You must remember Alhaji Kung-Fu, that bow and arrow professional who pulled the mat off the seat of Alhaji Blanket when he was squatting in prayers and became an Omanhene, till the Original Efo Red-Herrings stormed the Palace and cleaned up the mess, ending Alhaji Kung-fu’s short reign.

After he was transferred into a ghost by Efo Red Herrings, in anger, his spirit has refused to go to the land of the ancestors, but chose to be resident in a certain stool in the family house. No one dare sits on that stool.

And this is the secret about Nana Odenehuni not smiling lately. They say, and again I did not say it…yooooo. They say after Alhaji Tiger Nut got him angry with those tooli, konkonsa, lie-lie pictures, he decided to cool it off in the cool and chilling atmosphere of the town of his father’s back in the mountains.

Again, they say Nana was in such a terrifying bad mood that his mannerism made all the living things and humans flee the house. With no one to give him a chair, he mistakenly sat on the forbidden stool and the spirit of Alhaji Kung-Fu entered his inside, hence his inability to smile any more.

In his anger, the Great Leopard had decreed that absenteeism among his councillors is becoming unbecoming, so none of his apostles should ever dream of travelling to other villages again. Nana Odenehuni is a man who loves to socialise and always has to be in a large company, that was why…hmmmmm! …I am not saying this…yooooo, they say that was why he decided to choose apostles ten times more than the number his Lord and Personal Saviour, Yesu, Son of the Living YHWH, chose. After all, there is also more work on the land to be done.

But, it seems these apostles took it that they need to evangelise in other parts of the world where the Good News has not reached, so some can travel out of the village by heart, at times five times in a single moon, leaving Nana in loneliness.

Now Nana has decreed that hence forth, from today to go, no apostle is to transport himself or herself outside the boundaries of the village.

But, some other people too are saying that it was rather Obaapanin Framer Opera who made that decree, because they saw her seal like chicken scratching the ground at the end of the scroll. They say…and again it is people who are saying it…they say that whenever the Obaapanin arrives at the lorry or alooplane park to travel out of the village, she does not get any of the choicest seats on board.

All empty seats would have someone’s scarf, purse, jute sack, chewing stick and some personal effects on them to indicate they were taken. So, the Obaapanin will have to share a seat with the driver’s mate, who has difficult buttocks, making our elder woman uncomfortable throughout the journey. So, in anger she proclaimed the taboo words: “Who Born Dog!” and at the stroke of pen on paper, she grounded all apostles, except the fair lady who always holds Nana’s briefcase when he is visiting other amanhene. Ehh, so the Obaapanin too fear something?

While this news is slowly sinking in, our Municipal Police (MP) who chants like an Okomfo (fetish priest) in his shrine, has decided to clock our gateman, Alhaji Tiger Nuts, and see whether he works around the clock or sleeps on duty.

Ehhh! Senior Opupulepu, come and see the number of people, like grains of sand at the shore, at Bro Kenkey-Dey’s shrine.

The show started with honour and respect to the land, with the singing of the village’s asafo song, YHWH Bless Our House Land, which, for the first time, everybody sang their parts perfectly to the admiration of the judges on the Amelika Got Talents and Voda Telephone Icon.

As for things that the pictures revealed, it is for your eyes and not for your telling. In fact, the elders were wise in their saying that when you point an accusing finger at someone, you point four at yourself.

Senior, what Alhaji One-Touches was alleged to have done in secret is day nursery play, compared to what Alhaji Tiger-Nut did in the open. If One-Touches is a class one blackboard monitor, then Tiger-Nut is a high school prefect.

While One-Touches was promised millions of cowries, Tiger-Nut produced evidence of owning billions, admitting how he bullied and lied to become rich.

The other day, I said he was a church rat, but, today, I humbly withdraw it with an apology. Alhaji Ansa ibn Ansa Tiger-Nut is the richest Ogyakromian, and most expensive, that only at least ten million cowries can buy, so he confessed.

But, he does not look it; wealth does not fit him at all. He is as lean and hunger as a cattle boy, and his face, hmmmm! … the less I talk about it the better my relationship with YHWH who created that face, will be. In fact, apart from those scars, he surely needs those curtains, or upstairs will touch babies and infants who may behold him by mistake. I will not vouch any more information about Alhaji Tiger-Nut’s face, except to say that, from hence forth, today to go, I am no longer going to chew tiger nuts, except if that too known porter/journalist annoys me.

Senior, after the show, come and see carnival. The chorus was “if for just one cowrie, Alhaji Ansa ibn Ansa Tiger-Nut bribed someone with and made him go to house-under, then with the billions he stole and embezzled, he must be made to join his ancestors.”

Soon concerned groups were formed, some will go to the Association of I-Put-To-You and demand them erasing Tiger-Nut’s name from their register; some are going to Tiger-Nut’s Imam to ask him to remove him from the mosque forever, and his Alhaji title also withdrawn, meanwhile, others are warning all churches and fetish shrines and groves never to accept him, since most of these now-a-days churches are not looking for souls to save, but rich people to milk.

In short, Alhaji Tiger-Nut has confirmed the adage that fear God and live long, fear man and live forever. He has brought double disgrace to our village. First, he exposes alleged crabs and snails hiding in people’s pots of soup to the outside world, and then he has exposed himself as the supreme leader of Ali Baba’s forty thieves. We don’t deserve such trophies.

Senior, I hear that the village square has become hot-hot, so I am off to see things and have fun, I am Dan, sorry I am Done.

It is Me.

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