Dear Senior Opupulepu, How do you do? As for me and my house we are do, fine.
Senior, you know that ever since the Great Leopard got angry about that documentary that Alhaji Tiger-Nuts showed him about how Alhaji One-Touches said he always carried him in his dirty dusty smelly jute sack, anger seems to have acquired a residence permit to stay as long as it pleases in this our God blessed, homeland.
Anger One: Because of what Carl Lewis’ Sister Abawaa Sir-What said, an emergency meeting was held at the instance of the Chief Staff Holder of the Omanhene, Obaapanin Opera Framer, to find a way of appeasing the angry pedestrian sojess who were gathering together to protest and march bare-footed to the palace.
Each and every pedestrian soja coming was armed with poisonous gases, which were produced from their unwashed armpits. Since they will spew out foul language, they made sure that their mouths fasted from toothbrush and paste, twapea and taakutsa, while most of them the only fluid that passed from lips to throat was the local gin called ogyateshie, made from wine harvested in Kade, fermented in Ashiaman, and distilled in Teshie. So whatever comes out from their mouths will be very foul in words and in deeds.
In order to save their jobs, the meeting decided to take Carl Lewis’ Sister Abawaa Sir-What to the village square and spread her legs apart and tie each with thread to some two poles apart, for all to see. This method is called the shin of a saucepan, or saucepan’s shin, where how you remain balanced in that life is up to you and your God.
Senior, if you think her something is open for public viewing, you are wrong there. She is in sports shorts under jeans under her famous brother’s track down. Man, she is covered!
Anger Number Two: This is all about the fallout from Alhaji Tiger-Nut’s konkonsa. Senior, those high and mighty Alhaji One-Touches met were actually drivers and servants of the high and mighty? They were church mouse mates of Alhaji Tiger Nut who he used as fake businessmen. They had no business prospects, and only did what they did to trap One-Touches with kwaakue last stop. The meeting was in the Land of Catarrh, and not Morocco.
You see, Tiger-Nut had made it his hobby and talent to drug or hypnotise people to misbehave and then catch them on camera. One day he wanted to trap a certain huge and wide bodied man, the size of a Boeing 747, into going Suhum-Nsawam with another woman other than his wife so that he can go and demand small kola to kill the matter.
It took him twelve market days to get this smallish woman, who was brave enough to accept to do the job of going under this super heavyweight. She believed in she-that-is-down-needs-fear-no-fall, and demanded an amount of hundred thousand cowries for this life-threatening job. Since Tiger-Nut assumed he could get not less than one million cowries out of this trap, he went ahead and borrowed money and paid this adventurist.
On that day, Tiger-Nut gave a concoction of a cocktail of various liquors and herbs from South Africa, plus ataadwe milk, to be given to oga that could make him spark one touch …kpaanyo vroooom. It made man to stand up, ready for action, whether in the mood or not. He then went to hide under the bed, to sneak out at the right time to take pictures.
After drinking the drink, the man went overdrive, threw the woman about a fifth his size into the bed like she were a handkerchief, and dove into her. He went like no tomorrow, and in the process, the bed’s legs broke and the bed landed on Tiger-Nut, injuring his face. And because of the ugly scars he always covers that part of his face with curtains.
His camera got damaged as well, and the worn-out lady demanded an extra one hundred thousand cowries or she will tell. Tiger-Nut had to top up and live his life dodging his creditors for forty moons before he could pay them off.
With One-Touches, Tiger-Nut assembled these servants of the high and mighty to trap him to say things one dare not say about your king. Tiger-Nut, this time, made sure that he had everything on soft and hard copies, and headed for the palace.
He believed he was going to get nothing less than five million cowries from Nana Odenehuni for that konkonsa, so parting with a third of a million cowries as appearance fee for One-Touches was not going to be a problem.
Alhaji One-Touches believed he had some contract fully sealed and waited and waited, but no show. Tiger Nut and his company got up one morning, bathing for the first time in ten market days, powdered their here and their there, and put on a loud portion of strong Hausa lavender and appeared in front of the Omanhene. The rest you know already. As a result of things, Alhaji One Touches had to descend from his mat as Chief Foreman of the Gutter-to-Gutter Association to save what was left of his image and reputation.
But, what you do not know Senior, is that Alhaji Tiger Nut is demanding the money he gave to Alhaji One-Touches, but the former Chief Foreman said “For the where?”
Tiger-Nut said the money was a kwaakue-last stop to trap One-Touches, and since that aim has been achieved, the money must be returned. One Touches, in his response, said so far he was concerned, none of the above was on the agenda of that meeting, so therefore, the money served its purpose, and Alhaji Tiger-Nut should know he rather breached the terms of contract and should be ready to be dragged to court to pay more money.
Upon hearing the word court, Tiger-Nut started shivering, for that will mean removing the curtain from his forehead for Ogyakromians to see his ugly face. He shouted: “Can you me? I have all Ogyakromians in my pocket and so I will take you to court, for you are a stealer. You stole my money.” One-Touches responded: “Nonsense! If you put meat in the mouth of a hungry dog, do you blame it for eating your meat? Go wherever you may, that money is gone; I used some to pay Hajia Fati for her Kooko I credited; I used some to pay off indebtedness for crediting kolas, mitsie goros, butas and taasbis. I also made good my promises to the small small side chics that warm my belly whenever Hajia Mariama is off duty. Your stupidity supreme, nonsensical nonsense, can you me, too?”
Alhaji Tiger-Nut then wrote more letters than St Paul did, and distributed them to every grey-haired elder he came across, claiming that he dreamt that Alhaji One-Touches was hiding billions and billions of cowries of Ogyakrom and all of Abibiman money in his personal jute sacks, which were concealed under the earth in his farms.
Anger Number Three: One of our Municipal Police (MP), the Okomfo-Who-Never-Stops-Chanting, Bro. Kenkey Dey, dashed out of his house angrier than ever, without bathing or even chewing taakutsa, and swore that Alhaji Tiger Nut was fake. In fact, he was a conman, since he would secretly take pictures of you passing water, but present it as if you were openly evicting things from your system. Bro Kenkey Dey had grown wild.
The Municipal Police (MP) from a hamlet called Assin, went on to paste pictures of a certain smooth looking akupa and claimed that all of the above were the certified true images of Alhaji Tiger Nut. The MP went on to produce soft copies of this guyman akupa in action, doing exactly what Tiger Nut swore he was fighting against.
The festival of anger took an interesting turn when Tiger Nut screamed.“Hey, Bro. Kenkey Dey, can you me? I am taking you to court and you will pay me twenty five million cowries.” His intention was to make Bro. Kenkey Dey come for an amicable settlement and make him pay adequately enough for him to clear all his outstanding debts. But Bro. Kenkey Dey called off the bluff, and in an angrier mood, shouted, “Who are you? Can you me, too? Yes I will meet you in court, but you must remove that dirty curtain from your face!” Alhaji One-Touches is also angrily heading for court, and he would also have Tiger Nut remove his curtains.
Anger, oh anger, always spoiling things. Alhaji Tiger Nut is now wondering which of these two angry men he can trap and compromise with. It looked like the mat he is standing on is slowly being swept off from under his feet, as all Ogyakromians are urging One-Touches not to refund the money. Those who backed him only yesterday, are today backing out. Eeeeiiii, is this the world? Fear God and live long, fear man and live forever.
As for me, I do not want trouble. I will stay out of this, and please I did not tell you this.
Senior, I am Dan. Sorry I am Done.
It is Me.