Dear Snr. Opupulepu, how do you do? As for me and my house, we are all do fine.
Snr. Opupulepu, Ogyakrom has still not gone quiet after what Alhaji One-Touches did. The other day, Efo Yevuyigbor, aka Togbe Xornametor I, aka Togbe Amekedziavu I, aka Togbe Peace-Perfect-Peace, aka Captain Chaos, was not feeling himself and decided that he needed to insult someone, anyone at all.
You see, Togbe has got some alarming proportions of cocktails of some hormones in the inside of his blood. In fact, he has above normal levels of noradrenaline, the hormone that controls the heart and blood pressure, so every time his blood boils hot, his heart beats, kabum, kabum, kabum like that, making him very anxious.
Then he has above normal levels of melatonin, which make him hyper alert at all times, in fact, he could do watchman-watchman work well, well, but for, you know. Then because he has above normal levels of serotonin, his moods are always charged up. With this, he can see wrong as right and right as wrong.
One day, when this hormone went up above the sky so high, he perceived his aplanke, Odikro Nana Intentions Arch Car, as the one who stole his great grandfather’s wheel spanner half a century before he was born, and he beat the living daylights out of him in the full view of council of elders. He even tore Nana Arch Car’s oboroni wawu suit jacket he bought brand new from Tema Station.
Then, with an over excess of levels of epinephrine he does not know how to run away from trouble or even avoid one. It is when all these four hormones peak in excess that Togbe will go about insulting anybody by heart.
So, again, it came to pass that Nsakrapapawura Nana Yaw Diwuhene Agyei Kumi Kungfu I, was quietly sitting his somewhere when Togbe boomed and swore that he saw Nana performing blood sacrifice with under-aged humans, goats, sheep, dogs, cats, wall geckos, house flies and mosquitoes at a grove near the Antua River.
When asked what he went into the grove for, he responded that he went hunting for wild cats that went to hunt for rats and mice. He wanted to kill and grill them for the hot pepper stew he was craving for. He was going to strangle the cats to death; after all, there were many ways of killing a cat, and who born dog?
But he had lots of cats in his house, and which are very neat, well brought up and cultured, so why choose those rude, uncouth, uneducated, stark illiterate, dirty, filthy, shabbily dressed and unkempt wild cats? “All the cats have been numbered and named. If even one goes missing, Naana will go to DOVVSU.”
He then complained that ever since he married Oheneba Nana Yaa Corner Dough, the only regret he has was that cat meat was removed from the menu.
On seeing Nana Agyei Kumi Kungfu performing rituals in the grove, he had to run away from something for the first time in his life.
Togbe went on to say that while he was fleeing for his life, but quickly claimed he was only making a tactical retreat, he saw the Onaapo-wura, Nana Odeneho Ontieh-Obia I, performing some robbery operations in the village square. He swore that he saw the ex-Ogyakromhene with some other macho men raiding kitchens and making away with pots of akofem soup simmering on slow fire.
He made these allegations out of the spirit of probability, accountancy, transparent glasses, social welfare justice, and the ruler used by lawyers.
He made these remarks when a delegation of people from the Todzie Region came to respond to his request to be enthroned chief for the third time.
A little over two hundred and twenty-seven moons ago, in the Year of our Lord, on July 3 to be precise, the chiefs and people of Alakple in Todzie Region enthroned Captain Chaos as their Messiah and gave him the stool name, Togbe Xornametor I (Saviour Chief), and as if they do not want to be outdone, the people of Tadzewu also in Todzie Region, petitioned the head of the Traditional Council to enthrone Togbe Xornametor a chief again. So, therefore, it came to pass that almost twenty moons ago, in the Year of our Lord, on October 29 to be precise, Captain Chaos was enthroned Chief-Chief of all that is Peaceful and Perfectly Peaceful.
Now Togbe wanted to be given another chieftaincy title, and had been lobbying hard and wild, because the concert party he founded had decided that he should retire from acting because of his aging age. In fact, he needed another title to show his concert people that he is one-who-never-dies, after all, who born dog?
The elders met him to tell him that this request cannot be granted, since the Keta schoolboys and Ho rascals, and in fact all the youth, said when Togbe squatted on the throne for exactly two hundred and twenty-eight moons, they saw nothing new in their lives, so Togbe cannot be togbified again.
So instead of explaining why he could not transform Todzie Region as he did his life, pocket, and family, with his cats and dogs eating imported food in golden bowls and with golden cutleries, Togbe then diverted the topic, blaming Nana Agyei Kumi Kungfu I and Nana Ontiaobia I of occultism and armed robbery.
He even told the visitors that he has been shown his mansion in Heaven by Senior Jesus, and if he went there, which he claimed was automatic, and ever saw Nana Kungfu I and Nana Ontiaobia I, he will relocate to hell where he believed he would have peace perfect peace. Not feeling convincing, he saw that, for once, his own people do not believe in him anymore. When he looked up to Heaven for help, he only saw the angry face of Yahweh staring at him.
Snr. Opupulepu, they say if Yahweh is angry Nana Odenihuni’s own cannot come anywhere close. So, please, mind how you do small, small bad things, for Yahweh’s wrath extends from ten generations before, and another sixty generations after.
Togbe Xornametor then went to church for the first time in this millennium and knelt before the priest and went like this: “Bless me Father for I have sinned…it is about three hundred moons since my last confession… And these are my sins.” He opened his suitcase and brought out thirty large and voluminous files and started reading his wrongs … “I stole the neighbour’s cat, killed and ate it …And I took a side chic to Akuse…I stole halicoptar stools…” and, finally, “I lied that Nana Agyei Kumi Kungfu I was an evil man and Nana Ontiaobia I is an armed robber…for these, and millions other sins I have intentionally forgotten, I have come for forgiveness.”
His confession alone took thirty hours, and after that, the exhausted Priest granted him absolution and asked him to do a public apology then go and sin here no more.
Togbe then came public to beg Nana Kungfu and Nana Ontiaobia to accept that he had wronged them, and as child, he had come for forgiveness.
Snr. Opupulepu, just because of some small stool, look what the Togbe Amekeadziavu (Who-Born-Dog) has done to almost make the wrath of Yahweh pay us a visit, eh!!! You know that for Yahweh’s anger, no size.
As for me, I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
It is Me.