Dear Snr. Opupulepu, How do you do? As for me, I think I am do fine.
Senior Opupulepu, news has broken out that our mathematician extraordinaire, the Chief Foreman of the Gutter-to-Gutter Cooperative Union, the world-acclaimed inventor and founder of efficiency and co-efficiency in agoromu nsem, has said something that had greatly annoyed the Great Leopard, Nana Odenihuni.
Senior Opupulepu, it came to pass that during this Holy Month of Ramadan, the Chief Foreman of the Gutter-to-Gutter Cooperative Union, Sheikh Imam Alhaji One-Touches, decided one day to trek to a faraway land of his Muslim brothers in Morocco to break the day’s fast, because, the other day, when he broke fast with Hajia Fati’s Hausa koko, he had serious infection of jogging stomach. He felt like something was slapping his intestines inside, wham-wham, wham-wham like that.
Money swine, they say, so Sheikh Alhaji One-Touches joined a chattered VIP bus that flies, and together with his household, landed in Morocco.
Too-known will kill some homo sapiens ooooh, for instead of flocking together with those who came by buses, Alhaji One-Touches decided to amalgamate with the filthy rich who flew in with their own personal and private cars. And where there are the rich, there is talk about money, money, money in a rich man’s world.
When the rich were talking, he too went to talk some, can you imagine, Senior Opupulepu, a common foreman rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty?
This poverty-stricken man, won football pools lottery, and instead of re-investing in his khebab and grilled akomfem business at the pito bar near the divisional mosque, because he wanted Hajia Fati and company to respect him, he used all his winnings and paid the chattered fare and joined that VIP bus that flies and went with his family for a day’s trip to Morocco. And even there, go and mingle with the poor, your team mates! No, he invited himself to the table of the high and mighty, and when they talked, he talked some, when they laughed he laughed some, not even knowing what he was laughing about.
One rich man was talking big about chasing an opportunity to hit a goldmine. Immediately Sheikh One-Touches heard this, he opened his mouth, Gbam! “My colleague rich man, I have identified exactly where you can make your money. In my village, all the stones and rocks are either diamonds or gold. You don’t have any pure-brem. Look, the Omanhene, sorry the Chief of my village is my friend. We chew kola together. Without my singular effort he could never have become chief. I used all my investments in the kola and khebab business to bribe all the kingmakers who then decided to make him chief. So, he is always in my kola jute sack. In fact, I would have brought him with me, but for the fact that he has decided to personally assist those sewing uniforms for Free Senior High School (SHS) students. Name your price, and you will have it.”
The rich men caught the bait and professed a lot of things they would love to do in Ogyakrom. Sheikh Alhaji One-Touches knew man takes fish to fish, fish, so he called the shots. “Twenty million cowries for Chief Odenihuni, twelve million cowries for his Aplanke, Alhaji Bow-Wow Man, and, of course, some mere eight million cowries for Chief Odenihuni’s aplanke staff-holder.” That was not going to be a problem, the cowries were ready and all Sheikh Alhaji One-Touches had to do was to buy some space in the VIP bus he came with, and he, his family, friends and the money would land in the village park, one-time.
The problem was, there was another rich man, or not too rich man, who wanted the deal in Ogyakrom but has not got that kind of money, in fact, he was the poorest rich man called Alhaji Tiger Nut. Wicked and vicious as he is, he decided that if he could not get that offer, then no one would. So, just before the three o’clock prayers, he excused himself that he was going to private, but rather took the afternoon Tata bus leaving for Ogyakrom, and with his links at the chief’s palace, sought audience with the Great Leopard Onsoruowuo Nana Odenihuni Owuobiayeowuo I, that very evening of his arrival.
Nana was about to dig his fingers into a big asanka full of boiled plantain, boiled cassava and boiled yam with green leaves stew with koobi, dried herrings, dried snails and tinapa garnished with red palm oil, when the SOS came. Nana was in a foul mood. You can distract him from anything, but not from his favourite meal.
Alhaji Tiger Nut, who had cut and pasted the video clip on Sheikh One-Touches mouth-mouth, started by saying. “Nana, may you live long! May your enemies see you become mightier than the ocean! May mosquitoes and house flies not enter your presence! Nana…hmmmmm…I beg you this thing that I am going to tell you, please do not tell anyone. Not even the Omanhemaa Auntie Becca. Hmmmmm…Nana, please, as for me, I did not reveal this to you oooooh!” Nana was getting impatient for his meal was catching cold. He bellowed, “Okay, okay, go on! What is it?”
“Nana, please exercise patience! Sheikh Alhaji Imam One-Touches has collected over fifty million cowries from some traders in Morocco. Assuring them you said with that money you will allow them to sell camel leathers and butta in here.”
“What! Me? When?” Nana was in a rage. “Oh, Nana, book, dey say, no fit lie, and camera no fit deceive,” replied Alhaji Tiger-Nut as he produced documentary evidence in hard and soft copy to the enraged chief, who saw and believed.
He could not believe what his small boy had done. Who could he trust now, if Alhaji One-Touches could have failed him? He quickly ordered the Chief Thief Slapper and the Champion Bow and Arrow Professional to order their boys and girls to search far and wide for that boy.
Alhaji Tiger-Nut became very disappointed and knew that he will never be trusted by his colleagues, family and friends. After all, what Alhaji One-Touches said was just to brag and get investors into the village. As to whether he said the Great Leopard, the Great Omanhene, Nana Owuobiayeowuo I, the One who does not fear death, can be found in his smelly jute sack, has become debatable. Some are now swearing that Alhaji Tiger-Nut had done some cut and paste somewhere to suit his agenda, because the way Alhaji One-Touches confidently walked into the hot and smelling armpits of the thief slappers, indicated he could be innocent.
But, as for me, Senior Opupulepu, this is not the time to go visiting the Omanhene. He is so angry, firstly, because of the false news that he could be bought. Someone who does not fear Death, someone who Death had begged God that when the time comes for Nana to go to his village, the angel of the Lord should come and take him body and soul, like he did to one of the Elijah. Death does want to grant Nana even a transit stopover in the Land of the Dead, because Death fears him well, well. How can mere mortals corrupt him? And then for having missed his dinner, Nana has vowed never to forgive and never to forget.
As for me, I beg you in the name of the Almighty God, never to make this known to anybody. I beg, I am still paying utility bills. In fact, I am not the one who told you this. This is not my handwriting oooh. In fact, I think I am Dan, sorry I am Done.
By for now. It is Me.