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Letter to Snr. Opupulepu (9)

botchway May 24, 2018

“The Bullies are Foughting”

Dear Snr. Opupulepu, how do you do? As for me I am not do fine, at all. Senior, there is fire on the mountain and I am running and writing at the same time, because I am not sure whether I can reach my destination.

Senior… hmmmmm… hmmmmm… how can I start mpo? In fact, let me ask you this question. When you see a bully engaged in a fight, don’t you secretly support the other guy to beat up the bully well, well? You remember the Banku Boy who used to beat up every Akwai, Neequaye and Sowah in the Bukom residential area or in the boxing square? You remember also how he cut off power supply in that Ayittey Man? In fact, they say due to his popularity, he demands muah-muah from the fairer sex, and his proposals are inevitable, but woe unto the lady who refuses.

It was not until he met his meeter, in the person of an unknown Alhaji Busty, who whipped the larger than life Banku Boy to the extent that he became so confused and momentarily mistook the referee to be his opponent and charged straight at him to return the gesture. The referee, sensing danger, immediately stopped the fight, after which all of Jamestown erupted into celebration, not knowing that the Banku Boy had more enemies than the number of grains of sand on the sea shore.

Snr. Opupulepu, this is a case where a bully is caught in a fight. Naturally, you will stand around and watch and pray that he got beaten, black and blue. When your prayers get answered, you will then come out, slim macho as you are, and challenge the bully to a fight, meanwhile, making sure you are just a finger length away from his conqueror, just in case.

But, Senior, what will happen if two bullies are engaged in a bloody fight. What do you do? Who do you support? I think the natural and best thing to do is to flee the area, because if one of them has his neck locked under the smelly foul odour armpit of the other, and you, but only smile, and he catches you and later when he wins the fight, then sorry for you. The only safety method to apply is to flee the grounds, especially, in the case where bows and arrows are used.

Senior Opupulepu, the matter of the fact is that two bullies, the bow and arrow professionals and the thief slappers, are at each other’s throats.

Come and see beatings, come and see slaps. The bow and arrow professionals displayed their hitherto unknown slapping skills, abilities and capabilities; No Sweat! Thief slappers are being slapped? Who born dog? Mampam born lizard!

You know the thief slappers live among us and are always among us. Because of familiarisation, they fit bully us well, well. One section of the community that hates their guts is the commercial Cart Pushers Association. You see, these drivers are perceived to be gold mines by the thief slappers.

You see the cart pushers do not like the Bible, and, in fact, they do not know the Bible, however, the thief slappers have made it mandatory for them to always recite a certain memory verse, found only in Section A of St. Matthews 6:12, by fire by force whenever they meet. This is intimidating enough.

Upon the approach of a vehicle, the thief slapper would raise his hands up and recite St. Matthews 6:11, “Give us this day, our daily bread,” upon which the cart pusher will dip his hands into his purse or pocket, and reluctantly respond from verse 12A, “And forgive us our trespasses,” as he puts the money into his hands into the collection hand of the thief slapper.

Senior, you know something, people are saying, it is not me; people say that these thief slappers have decided to always wear black, as if they are in mourning, so that people will give them funeral donations. Please, I did not say this, and you never heard or read this from me. You know I do not spread lies.

All said and done, all thief slappers are assumed to be bullies; then what about the bow and arrow professionals? These akupas, hmmmmm…they say you are what you eat. You see, during their training to know how to throw stones and shoot arrows, they attend schools under forests and eat frogs, lizards, snakes, crocodiles and anything cold-blooded.

So they are also cold-blooded, meaning they are poikilotherm, meaning their inside temperature or mood can vary considerably; I too know book some. Such are the kind of people you do not go near, especially if you do not have life insurance or have not written your will, in which case when they transform you into a ghost, your back will become basaa.

Their looks are really very intimidating, and the most dangerous kinds are those who smile. You cannot detect when he is getting angry, then all of a sudden wham, wham, wham and wham your ears inside. They can slap with the speed at which bullets race out of the barrel of their guns, and they are so generous to share the slaps equally between your two ears.

Now, it is these two bullies who are foughting, and you want me to stand and watch what? But what brought this saayooooo? Some people said one bow and arrow professional misconducted himself at parade and was given a generous portion of slaps. He then remembered his political party motto: sharing is caring, so when out of the barracks he saw this thief slapper whose ears were lying idle, so he off-loaded some of the slaps for free into them.

This did not go well with the thief slappers’ association members, who would not want to have anything to do with anything about creating, looting and sharing, so they responded appropriately and tied the neck of the bow and arrow man with one end of a rope, and the other end they tied to a pole, like you do to stubborn goats. That brought a fight.

Then, in the capital of Savannah Land, the bow and arrow men were asked to assist the thief slappers in catching thieves. On one of these operations, a bow and arrow man met his ex-girlfriend who had dawged him for a politician and now rides in a V8. He immediately demanded the money he used to buy top-up credit for her or hmmmmm! Since she was not want trouble, she decided to pay the cost of the credit. In the process, a thief slapper saw them and raised the alarm, that the bow and arrow man was collecting funeral donations without authorisation and was asked to give the money to the thief slappers.

He, of course, refused, and all hell broke loose, resulting in slapping and counter-slapping, and in the end, the thief slappers made a tactical retreat into the bush and called for their bows and arrows to be sent by email or by Whatsapp, so that they also will show the bow and arrow rascals that they too are men.

Senior Opupulepu, and in this commotion, some people want me to stand and watch. I am not a fool, hence my four-forty into the bush and far-away.

Please, can you call both sides to the nearest pito bar and broker peace? Even though they are bullies, we cannot do without them. In fact, we will miss them, should they all kill themselves and die the death of no fears.

I am Dan, sorry, I am Done.

It is Me.


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